I will trade it all for another day just to feel you and your warmth.

Waking up as the sun goes down, I'm amazed that I slept through the whole day. The dregs of dreams swirl around my subconscious as I crawl out from the tangled comforter. Small paws against my leg and the steady thump of a briskly wagging tail alert me to my hungry room mates. Picking Gadzooks up and reaching my free hand down to pet Speedy's smooth coat, I lead them into the kitchen and start preparing their dinner. Setting Gadzooks back onto the floor, I pull the tupperware container of cooked chicken from the fridge and, on autopilot, scoop a bit into each dog bowl. My eyes stray to the calendar on the fridge, smiling at the picture of puppies piled into a red wagon. Moving my gaze to today's date, the smile slowly dissolves. Its departure is joined by a dull ache that spreads through my body and settles into my chest. My hands jerk, sending the container of chicken tumbling to the floor, much to the dog's delight.

It snuck up on me. 

The ache in my chest seems to turn into a fist clenched around the still and useless organ residing behind my rib cage. 

How could I have forgotten?

I leave the kitchen in a hurry, Gadzooks and Speedy still snatching mouthfuls of the spilled meat. Stepping out into the hallway, I slip my boots on and pull a hoodie over my pajamas. Stopping only long enough to grab a small box from the closet, I slip into Obfuscate and dart out the front door. As always, I glance towards the still broken down Jetta, moldering in the driveway. The hand clenches tighter around my heart, and I put on extra speed as I make my way through the woods, towards Baltimore.

It's still early as I enter the city, so the police activity is limited. The park is sparsely inhabited, and the few people loitering around unconsciously turn away, repelled by even my unseen presence. It takes little time to find the spot, and even lesser time to find the tree. Even a year later. Even without the tire tracks in the dirt. Even without the bullet holes in my flesh.

Somehow, even uninjured, I'm still in as much pain as I was a year ago today. The grass is soft and cool as I kneel, a mere foot away from the exposed roots of the tree. My hands creep into the front of my hoodie, pulling the box from my pocket. With trembling fingers, I open it, and nestled in the plush interior next to an ipod and a small fuse, is a picture. His face perpetually smiles up at me, in that self conscious way. My own face is obscured, pressed into his shoulder despite what was likely a hefty attempt to get me to look into the camera. I want to smile back, but that hand clenches into a fist, and I quickly set the box and photo aside. Blinking away a film of red, I stare into the roots of the tree. Any damage from that night seems have been covered by fresh bark. Too look at it, you wouldn't know anything happened at all. I reach my hand out, pressing my palm to the bark and closing my eyes.

Like a movie I've watched a thousand times, replayed in my head. The buzz of the drone, the growl of the four wheeler's engine. They're shooting. They're chasing. We're running, but Alex is falling behind. Alex is falling, but I lift him. I carry him, and shield his body with mine. His voice begs in my thoughts, telling me to run, telling me to leave him behind. Telling me he loves me. I hold him with one arm and climb, fruitlessly hoping the tree will lend some sort of shelter from the hail of bullets. Some sort of protection. Pulling myself onto one of the thicker branches, I gasp as another bullet tears through my shoulder. Momentarily distracted, I only half notice Alex's body jerking against me. My attention focuses just as the burden of his weight leaves my arms in a choking cloud of ash. My hands grasp at the air, and the sound of the engine, the drone, and the gunfire are drowned out by my agonized cry. The ground rushes towards me as I leap from the tree and run for my life. My life. Just my life.

The bark sheds under my hands as I dig my claws into the trunk. Opening my eyes again, I allow the tears to escape. My little offerings to his memory.
"Alex. I'm so sorry. I'm still sorry."
Speaking to no one, my voice barely carries.
"How could it have been so long ago? It hurts like it just happened."

I move from my knelt position, leaning against the tree and pulling the box with his picture in it back into my lap. I speak to his image. I speak to the bit of him left in my heart.
"I still love you like I always have. Who said it would hurt less? Maybe it was Sailix. Maybe it was Troy, sounds like something stupid that he would say. It doesn't hurt any less. I wake up every night and I hope that I'm dead. Dead like you are. Dead where you are."
I wipe a spot of red that splashes onto the picture, my collar jingling merrily.
"You'd be... I think you'd be so ashamed of what I've become. What I've done with you not here. I can't help but think I would be better if you were still with me. You were my light. You made me believe I was more than just... what I am."
The park remains quiet, save for my own whispers.
"I miss you." I choke down a sob. "I miss you so much, Alex. I know it wasn't you with Rook, but I wanted to stay. Even knowing it wasn't really you, I wanted to stay."
Touching the tree bark again, I get the same images as before.
"Even reliving this. Just seeing you again, even like this. If this is hell like I've always thought, I think I reached the ninth circle the night you died."

Dropping my Obfuscate, I glance around the grounds, almost hoping someone sees me. Almost hoping that the bullets start flying again. There's nobody but me. I press my other hand against the tree and close my eyes, reliving the night Alex died over and over. I sit until I think my heart will crumble into ash with the memory of his body in my arms. I sit until some near lost sense of self preservation brings me to my feet and leads my feet back home.