Now you're in my world, did you dream it be so small? My little box was perfect, 'till you destroyed it all.

As is too often lately, my quest to feed turns into mindless wandering. Headphones tucked into my ears, I pull the hood of my sweatshirt up and meander deep into the woods. There's no movement or sound among the trees, and I almost feel guilty for disturbing the wildlife. I'm grateful that the only voice in my head is my own, and eventually I begin to hum along with the music, staring down at my feet as I walk. Lost in my thoughts, it's not too long before I get the distinct feeling of being watched. More curious than concerned, I glance up and see nothing amiss. My gaze turns to the sky, and I notice small flock of crows roosting in the highest branches of a pine. Over the sound of music and my own humming, I hear a gasp, then a disturbingly familiar voice spitting out a curse. After a second, I hear the voice again and my heart drops into my gut.

"... M-Mad... that you?"

I jump as if the voice shouted, and pull my headphones out, letting them dangle towards the ground. Blinking a few times, my emotions churn from hostile, to sad, and seem to settled on resigned. I rub at my forehead, knowing I'm in for a mentally exhausting episode. I look towards the direction of the voice, and reply in a subdued tone.
"OK. Guess I should have expected something like this..."
Yellow eyes, blonde hair, tan coat...everything is the same as Mongrel drops his Obfuscate and takes a tentative step out from behind a tree. Even the Desert Eagle is the same, pointed directly at my chest. His teeth are bared in an angry smile, "I could say the same. I don't know who you are but either you're a figment of my fucked up imagination, or you're at the wrong end of a sick joke... and I'm going to enjoy peeling your skin off in strips." His voice becomes more of a bestial growl as his claws began to sprout.
Sighing lightly, I absently retrieve my headphones, wrapping the cord around my iPod and safety stowing it in my pocket. Pulling my hood down, I shrug and avoid the illusion's eyes. "If that's what I need. I just wish...could you not look like him? It's too.." I breathe in through my nose, my head cocked to the side as I'm assaulted with the smell of clove and cinnamon. "..too fucking realistic."
He snarls, "Too realistic? Too realistic for -you-? Oh, this is fucking real alright, GHOST BITCH! C'mon, let's go! If you're gonna wear her face at least try to act like her! I've had about enough of you." He slips the pistol into its holster at and shrugs off his coat, the joints in his arms and neck clicking and groaning as his physical frame expands slowly. He becomes steadily covered in thick coarse fur, eyes glowing a bright yellow. His voice is vastly deeper, distorted and monstrous, "Throw another tree at me if you have to. I've learned some new tricks. This ends tonight. My Maddie is dead."

I breathe in again as he says the words "my Maddie". My eyes wide and confused under a furrowed brow. "Throw a tree?" A sort of recognition crosses my mind, and I bring my hand to my mouth, remembering my actions during the steady slide of insanity less than a year ago. "Nooo...no, this can't be.." I step closer, unconcerned by his monstrous transformation. Sniffing deeply I let out a pained moan. "...Mongrel?"
He watches me, hesitating, something like doubt in his furious glowing yellow eyes but he howls up at the sky, "HOW DARE YOOOOOOOOUUUUU!" Drool slides from his elongating jaw as he scrutinizes my smaller form. His arm pulls back as if to claw at me, but instead scrapes deep furrows off a nearby tree trunk. I flinch away, more from the echo of his raised voice, than his actions. Undaunted, I move forward, reaching my fingers towards his heaving chest. He growls, pulling away slightly. My gaze tics back and forth manically, taking in his transformation. Despite the underlying fear, I'm almost hurt by his reaction to my approach. Nevertheless I meet his eyes, pressing my palm flat against his skin.
"Fuck...oh...fuck.." My voice is agonized, and I blink rapidly, struggling to keep my vision clear as I remember every painful detail. Following Mongrel. Torturing him. Tormenting him. Mad with grief and delusion, trying to push him enough so that he'd feel even a fraction of the pain I felt when he abandoned me. My hand trembles as the truth sinks in.

Mongrel shudders at my touch and his eyes instantly soften, painfully so. His garbled bestial voice tries to sound out my name, "MRRAA--MAARRGGG. MAAAD--". Jerking in pain, his form reverts suddenly, my hand now pressing against a loose torn tank-top and his chest as he fights to maintain balance after the change, "....oh just kill me already," he laments as he slumps to his knees. I watch him fall, bringing the hand that was on his chest to my nose. Closing my eyes, I breathe in the scent on my fingertips, my expression almost blissful. Just as quickly, I shake my head in attempt to clear it, and carefully kneel in front of him. Pressing my lips together, I place my hands on my knees and try to catch his eyes. He returns the gaze and manages a decent glare, "Yannoh, for a hallucination, you're pretty darn stubborn." I frown slightly, and he quirks a brow, "Are you... smelling me?"
Nodding my head, almost guiltily, my words come out in a ramble. "I keep some of those essential oil things so I can always recognize your scent.." I trail off, embarrassed, feeling confused again. "Are you really real?"
He groans, the sound seems to cut into me like a blade. "Unfortunately. Are...you?" He watches me closely.
I roll the question around in my thoughts, unable to keep the unsureness from my answer. "Yeah?" I have to be real, and if I'm real, and he's real. "Oh god...if this is.." My hand reaches out, as if to touch him again. I pull it away instead, and cover my face. "Oh my god, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
My apologies continue unabated, my face still hidden behind my hands.

I feel his arm slide around my shoulders, rubbing my arm gently. "Hey... hey... it's alright. I'm not gonna peel your skin off or anything, that was mostly bravado. We're good here... um..." The feel of his touch, and his voice so close to me...I drag my hands away and stare up at him in disbelief. "How can you...after all I..." I place just the tips of my fingers on his cheek, struggling to formulate a full sentence. "If you wanted to hurt me, for revenge...I would understand."
He tilts his head and regards me, something of a smile forming on his lips, "If you were her, you would know precisely why I could never do that."
His continued denial of my identity gnaws at me, and I halfheartedly snap at him. "God damn it, I am her! Me. I'm me. Stop being all sensible and...Mongrely."
He shakes his head in wonder, "You even sound like her now. I really am losing it." He sighs and draws his knees up, releasing his hold on me to prop himself up, "You spend too much time around Malks they start rubbing off on you... that's what they said. Now look at me." He chuckles to himself sadly, "This is a nice change of pace though. I get to talk to her for a minute before you start hitting me with things. Thanks, I guess."
I huff out a needless breath, just as exasperated with his words as I am with the void I feel our lack of contact. "I'm not going to hurt you. I never should have in the first place." Staying down on my knees, I drop my gaze to the dirt. "I was hoping. I was really hoping that out of anything...that part wasn't real. 'Cause if I actually did all that stuff, actually hurt you..." Wrapping my arms around myself, my next words are just louder than a whisper. "I really am a fucking monster."

He seems unconcerned by my response, idly brushing dirt from his pants."This has been a great chat and everything but last I checked, you're dead and I'm insane so this has to give, one way or another. Maddie is dead." I flinch again as he stands up, his eyes losing their light and his voice growing solemn. "Sasa will find me eventually. I'm not big on vengeance but that's his whole shebang so if you dust me now, be prepared to have an OCD Assamite on your ass all the way into the next century. Let me tell you--one time I used the towels in the bathroom and didn't put them back the 'right' way, the lad nearly had a fit."
I snort laughter at his comment, despite my distress. Putting my hands at my sides, palms up, I simply gaze up at Mongrel. "I'd try to prove I'm real, but I left my notebook at the Barony. I get kind of fuzzy about stuff without it."
He chuckles with my laughter, before his palm slams into my throat, lifting me from the ground and securing me in a crushing grip. I don't struggle or fight, even as his lips twist into a maddening smile. "I wasn't kidding around about the 'insane' bit. I'm not exactly 'all there' anymore. You wanna see something scary? Take someone and systematically destroy everything they love... -twist- it a little. You wanna see scary, take me. I'm not entirely myself these days but I won't let anyone else on, now will I? No. You show anyone enough of what I've seen and tell them to carry on, most will seek cool metal against the temple but not me... I... can't. You took a perfectly good Gangrel and you BROKE IT. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?" He shakes me a bit, like a limp rag dog, before dropping back to the dirt. I cower there, subdued and submissive. My chest hitches, and I try and fail to hold back a sob. "I know. I know." I swipe the back of her hand against the welling moisture in my eyes, almost angrily. "...I told you. I always told you and everyone that I'm poison and..and bad...and and..."

My voice is wavering and unsteady, and the words I've repeated so many times to so many loved ones seem to burn as they pass my lips. "I tried, Mongrel. I tried so hard.."
His voice is loud, and over his words I hear the crows chatter and ruffle their wings in the tree above us. "YOU BROKE IT. YOU BROKE... me." He kneels before me, eyes rimmed with red tears, "There was a point, Maddie, when you were everything I loved. I... I know that wasn't really you in the woods before. If it was, I know it wasn't your choice. I forgive you. What I can't forgive is you not letting me know you were alive. Were you ever dead? Explain. Explain to me this HELL you put me through. Please. You owe me that much at least."
His words wound, and I hiss my pain through clenched teeth. "You broke me too, god damn it!"  My voice sounds petulant, almost sulky. "Even when I stopped being your everything, you were still mine. Whatever happened to me that night with the Sabbat..." I pause, clenching my fists and refusing to look at him. "...obviously being dead was more preferable to living without you." As many times as I spoke them to myself, the words sound ten times more pathetic spoken aloud.
His brow wrinkles in fury, "How.... how could you even think that?"
"Gosh. I dunno. It's almost like I'm fucking crazy." Despite the flippancy of my response, a tear courses down my cheek. I wrap my arms around myself, desperate for comfort.
"Mad, " he whispers, "I didn't know you... felt like that."
A little voice whispers in my mind...liar liar, he knew all along. He didn't care... I speak over the dissent of my thoughts."I love..." my voice catches, "..ed you. You were that one fucking tether...the one constant that I had. I've always been weak, Mongrel." I wipe at my face again, angered by the traitorous tears. "And in my defense, I only realized I wasn't dead-dead about four months ago.."

"I was rather convenient for you, wasn't I?" My eyes meet his, and his smirk is cruel, "I was always there for you, every fuck up I was ready to cover you. Naive little Mongrel groveling after you." He snorts, "So... you've been alive this entire time? Makes sense why none of our hedgewitch charms worked... you weren't a spirit."
I flinch, squeezing my arms tighter around myself, only managing two whispered words. "...I'm sorry."
His voice grows cold, "You know what?... You should be." Gathering his coat around his shoulders, he shrugs it back on, starting to walk away, "Stop using me as an excuse. Stop being weak. It is counter-intuitive to your survival. Madelyn, grow the fuck up. ...I forgive you." And with that he walks back towards the gravel driveway. I remain on the ground, in the dirt, without replying. My hand steals to my pocket, clutching around the iPod like it was a talisman. I can't force myself to look at Mongrel as he walks away. He footsteps stop, and after a moment I hear his voice again, tentative."Hey, um... I'm sure being dead and all you might need a refresher in, yannoh, not being dead-dead so.... Thursdays we do karaoke at The Post."
Still not looking up at him, I reply: "You don't have to...make niceties or whatever. I know my place. I'm not gonna force my way back into your life." My voice sounds hollow, deadened in my own ears. Full exhaustion, both mind and body, begins to take hold of me.
"Mad, " Mongrel chides, almost genially, "you smacked me with a tree... among other things. You kinda owe me. Besides, it'll be good for ya." He chuckles and tosses something in my direction. "Hey, I'm glad you're probably not a hallucination. I've missed you." He footsteps move away again.

I hear the door slam and the engine start up, just like over a decade ago when he left me the house and left me alone. There's a weird gasping sound coming from somewhere, and it takes me a minute to realize that I'm still drawing in deep breaths of air, trying to keep Mongrel's scent from leaving my senses. My hands are idly clawing furrows in the dirt, and with the deep set ache in my chest and gut, I'm surprised when it's not bits of my insides that I'm pulling from the ground. My legs give no sign of wanting to support me enough to stand. Cursing aloud, I fight the urge to call for help from Tommy or Sailix or Alex.

Alex. 

Summoning his face into my thoughts, I force myself to my feet. Pausing to grab the printed card Mongrel tossed to me, I stow it in my pocket next to my iPod and make tracks back to Crownsville. The trip is a steady blur, and when I finally make it to the fairgrounds, the sky is lightening. I stare towards the horizon, where the sun has yet to cross. Exhausted, swaying on my feet, I make sure my face is clean of any residual tears before making my way to me and Alex's room. He speaks to me as I enter, concerned, possibly angry...I avoid his eyes and pull my sweatshirt off, ignoring the scent that lingers in the fabric. Crawling onto the futon, my voice is quiet and almost frightened as I raise my eyes to his.
"Hold me? Please?"
Much like the first night I asked him to stay with me, he climbs onto the mattress, pulling me to his chest. I close my eyes and bury my face against his warm skin. My thoughts are like a mantra, despite quickly approaching slumber.
Please don't ever leave me, Alex. Please don't ever leave me. I can't ever lose you. Please don't leave me.
It's only in the moment that I fall into my daily torpor, that I realize that I'm begging aloud.

https://youtu.be/HTzvwXJhxXw