Nothing good will come of this. I’m screaming out with my last aching breath. I’ll be yours until my dying day, but I can never see you.

On an unseasonably cool evening, the leaves impatiently rustling with an impending storm, Mongrel asked me to accompany him after the council meeting on the previous night. His tone of voice makes me wary, but my full trust in him leads me to follow without hesitation. He takes us to secluded pond, gesturing for me to sit beside him on the bench that over looked it. He stares out over the water for a moment before turning his gaze on me. "Hey um... I got you something... umm...I know you've been on a liver kick lately so I got a child's. Don't ask. Wasn't easy. Here." He passes the package to me with an awkward smile. 
I return the smile, my eyebrows narrowing. "Not that I don't appreciate gifts but they're usually given by people afraid of, or trying to appease me." 
He's quiet for a moment, I watch his expression with a cautious look of my own. "I guess I should be afraid of you but I'm not... as for the other bit, I do want you to be happy which is why I'm... which is why I need to be honest with you. Completely." The hairs seem to stand up on the back of my neck. I want to believe it's from the static in the air, but even I know better.

"Madelyn, I know 'Dipity was in your head and I know he must've said... must've made you see some terrible stuff. Baltimore isn't doin' too hot if you haven't noticed and just in case... things happen... I want you to know some things." He takes my hands, looking deep into my eyes. "First and foremost I want you to know that I love you. I will always love you. Everything I do, everything I did though it was perhaps misguided was to protect you." I'm doing my damnest to keep a emotionless, calm demeanor. I'm sure Mongrel's not oblivious to the panic that must be bubbling in my eyes. 
Realizing he's waiting for some sort of response, I manage two syllables before lapsing back into a guarded silence. "...o...k?" 
As he speaks, his voice seems to be doubled in timbre by a familiar, mocking tone. No, no. Don't you dare. Not now. "Secondly, I will NEVER restrain you like I did. I should've known better but sometimes I'm young and stupid. I thought it would protect you. You're older than I, and able to take care of yourself. The only exception to this I will make is if you are frenzying. Then I will put you in a safe place. Is that alright?" He pauses, seemingly unnerved from my uncharacteristic quiet. "I give you permission to do the same to me if I'm frenzying or otherwise."

I speak around the mumbling and laughter that is slowly increasing pitch in my mind. "Mongrel, I..." I wince. "I know you do what you do to protect me. Even if it isn't completely necessary....but...if I frenzy...heh...well.." I rub my forehead unconsciously. "I guess I won't really notice what you do to me." I try to get control of myself, as to not worry him. "I am a bit more capable of taking care of myself then you may think, though. And also...not used to having someone show me that I don't always have to." 
He chuckles sadly, "Heh. Same here, Maddie." I try to let the caring tone in his voice penetrate my increasing fear.

He takes a deep breath and seems to brace himself, "Lastly, what I need to be honest about..." he's quiet for a moment, choosing his words, watching me with big yellow eyes filled with worry and more emotions than I can discern. "... I'm blood bonded to Pyotr mutually, it was part of our deal in order to learn Celerity. Before that though I did... admire him even if I didn't entirely trust him. During our training... things got complicated. We um... we..." he trails off and chews at his lip nervously, watching my every move. 
I feel a disembodied hand grip my shoulder, I don't even have to look to know the owner. Remember, monster. Remember what I've been warning you about... I meet his stare, my body unnaturally still. "...oh?"

Red tears begin to well up in his eyes. Pathetic. A voice growls in my head. Get out of here you bastard. GET OUT. "We... had sex. Twice. I was afraid to... I don't know what this is. It just sort of happened. ... Now---" I can't control myself to meet his eyes. He lunges forward before I can respond. Gently but firmly he grabs the sides of my face, forcing me to look at him, "Use your Auspex, Maddie. Please. " his voice is soft and pleading. Look at him. That mutt. Begging you. Monster, you don't have to put up with this. He's betrayed you. Just like I said he would. You KNOW what you need to do.

I'm silent for about a minute. My maker's voice hisses in my subconscious, demanding me to retaliate. Moving slowly, but almost mechanically I removes Mongrel's hands from my face and place them in his lap. I start to rub at my head, as if I can erase the voices that way. I need to get away. I'm not...not safe right now. Feeling a strange lurch in my mind, I quickly rise from the bench, stepping a few few back and linking my hands behind my back. "And what...would I be looking for?" I squeeze my hands together hard enough to draw blood, fighting the urge to...No. I'd never. A vision of myself losing control. Attacking Mongrel. PLEASE STOP! I feel the blood dripping from my clenched fists. No one hurts my monster but me. When I speak aloud, I hear a strange inflection in my own voice. "Didn't he.." STOP! "...you...didn't YOU just tell me what I need to know?"

"Because I think what you will see will do a better job of explaining than I ever could with words." 
In a voice that's not completely like my own I respond, "Oh, what she...I could see, eh?" I shake my head, trying to clear my maker's voice from my mind. From my own words. Without looking at Mongrel, I speak calmly. "I don't know if I want to see what's in there, Mongrel."

He stands and inches towards me, voice soft and almost tangibly dripping with pain. Good. Good. Let him hurt. STOP STOP! "Trust me... that is all I ask of you. I never imagined I'd actually begin to feel for you... and then even then I never foresaw us becoming more... I pined for you, Madelyn, but it was always touch and go. I could never get close to you and now... in our time together I have never failed you... all I have ever done, was to protect you. Let me show you why."
Excuses, monster. Is that how you love someone? How you protect someone? Certainly even I showed my true intentions at all times. How could someone who -loves- you so be capable of this sort of behavior? I step back a little. In a quiet voice, not directed towards Mongrel, I whisper, "...you were right..." My face contorts in sorrow. "No!" I shout, and looks up at him. "I...you. Mongrel maybe I should..." Go. Maybe I should go before I do something I regret...

Madelyn, please... come back to me. Please. I need you to see... it's tearing me up--" Blood tinged tears streak down his face. 
I start to cover my own face with my hands, but I stop when I see the ruby liquid smeared across the wounds on my palms. Staring at it for a moment I look into Mongrel's eyes. My lips curl into a unwanted smile. The smile is evil and looks out of place. Beyond my control, my maker's voice rasps through my mouth. "You sure you want me in your head, boy?" I gasp in a breath, shaking my head. Leave him alone! 
When I meet Mongrel's eyes again, my own are filled with tears. Mongrel growls at the inflection in my voice. He flickers and blurs, wrapping me up in his arms in an instant, staring into my eyes. "I'm not afraid of you." As to whom he's talking to is unclear, his voice is a low growl as he strokes my temple with his thumb, "Come back to me? Please? I can't lose you too."

I flinch, my face reflecting a fight for control. Such a brave pup. No wonder you love this one, monster. His fire matches yours.. Speaking in that voice again, I say, "Doesn't matter if you're afraid...she is. She always will be, and you're just solidifying that fear." I sob. "...please stop..." "Make me." I growls. "Better yet, make him do it." I look up at Mongrel, terrified. Oh, god. I can't lose control like this! You can't make me. I have to get away. 
I pull away a fraction but Mongrel refuses to let go, his voice is strong and something just above a growl, "She's not yours anymore. Now, you best let her go because you know I never will." His voice feels like a burning spear through my heart, simultaneously gouging and cauterizing. And still my maker taunts me. He'll let you go. The time will come when he'll tear you from your false little paradise. The only way to stop this is to rid yourself of him! 
I whimper. "Why? Why don't any of you let me go?"

Mongrel twitches at the question, eyes and voice going soft, "... Maddie? I-I'm sorry. I'll... let you go if you want me to." 
Laughter echoes in my head. "No...not...you? Oh, god." I start unconsciously digging my fingers into the cuts on my hands, rending them open further. Hoping the pain will bring me back to myself. "Please just let me...let me go." I looks up at Mongrel, scared, shaking my head. Not you. Not you! Why can't he hear me? 
A few more tears roll down his cheeks as he gently takes my wrists and kisses at where I dug my nails in. Releasing me with a small sob, "As you wish." 
Hahaha, there you go monster. There's one way to do it. I shake my head again and grip his coat. I'm trying to push him away, despite the fact that my hands refuse to relinquish their grasp. He seems confused and hesitantly re wraps his arms around me protectively. The disembodied voice growls angrily in my head. "...stop...please just stop..." I look up, my face impossible to read with all the emotions running through it. "he won't...won't let me..."

Mongrel gently pulls me down on the grass with him, wrapping his arms around me, he begins stroking my hair murmuring, "I'm here. I'm here Maddie." 
I want to give in so badly. But to whom? "Yeah...you are..." I try half heartedly to pull away, but my body collapses into Mongrels arms. I'm such a mess. "No wonder you..." I shake my head sadly. 
His face reflects a heart breaking sadness. "I'm sorry. So so so sorry. If you had just looked... I'm sorry. I-I-I wanted to show you how much I love you." 
I can't be trusted in your head Mongrel. You shouldn't even trust me in your arms..Laughter. Oh, please monster. Let's play in your loves mind. What fun we could have. Let's see how much he -loves- you. My vision becomes blurry and red. "But...really. He's right, isn't he? How could you? There's just no winning is there? Not for a monster." Tears run down my face. "I understand, Mongrel. Is is...it's what I deserve." My thoughts linger on all I've hurt. Law. Jonah. I am just a monster. Why would I ever think I could achieve anything other than misery?

Mongrel speaks, "Whenever I've looked at you -never- have I seen a monster... even when you were drenched in blood and surrounded by bodies... all I saw was a scared girl. I thought I could save you... then I realized you didn't need saving." 
I stare at him, trying to view myself through his eyes. "Is that possible?" Of course it's not possible, monster! No one can see you as anything but what I made you into. I angrily wipe the tears from my face. "Stop! Godamn you..." I bury my head in Mongrel's chest "....sorry."

"Oh, Mongrel. Just...give up on me. Go...go find what you need in someone else. Him. Whoever." my voice is desolate. "I'm not worth it right now. Ever. I never was. He's right about that." I sigh. "...I'm right about that." 
I feel his lips curve into a smile against my hair, "That would be easier, wouldn't it? However, I'm the stubborn type. I will -never- let you go unless you want me to. You are worth it." 
My maker is waging war on my mind. That silly pup. To think that I'll ever let him have you. You're MINE and I will never let you go. "So many just won't let me go..." I barely notice my words were spoken aloud. "Are they so different?" I speak to Mongrel. "I don't want you to let me go. But I know...how can I expect to keep you?" Is this really what it feels like? Being human? Feeling?
Mongrel's voice interrupts my thoughts. "The difference is you're not my captive, Maddie. The difference is I wish you wouldn't let go of me." 
I look up at him, shocked. "You think I could let go of you?" He believes me so much stronger than I am. "No. That's the hard part. The bad part. I'd hold on till it killed me." It will, monster."...and it probably will." I say in an undertone, echoing my maker's words. It'll probably kill both of us. 
"Not if I can help it." He kisses my forehead. 
Haha, he won't be able to help it. No one will. NO ONE. At the touch of his lips, I whimper quietly. Frightened, yet desperate for his touch.

"Oh. Sorry" he says, misinterpreting my reaction. He pulls away a bit but still retains his hold on me. I take one of his hands and place it on my chest. 
"You know, if there's anything in there. Anything worth having ...it's yours." I sigh in response to the perturbed growl that echoes in my thoughts. "Oh, he's so angry with me..." I mumble to myself.
He caresses my temples lovingly, "Too bad. You don't belong to him. You belong to yourself, Maddie. I will do what I can to protect you." H
e can only protect you out there, monster. In here...you're mine. He can't save you. I frown. "Good luck with that one. He almost...almost.." I shudder. He's almost winning. ALMOST?! Monster, I have won. Your pet has seen to that. I stiffen in Mongrel's arms, whimpering quietly. "...please don't...please.." I look in his eyes, my face reflecting a fierce emotional battle. 
He strokes my hair lovingly, "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere until I know you're alright."
"Mongrel..." I say warily. "..you may have to..I can't control..." Please, just leave me. No no monster. We want him to stay. He hurt you, now it's his turn. Let's make him pay. I start to argue out loud. "You're wrong! He...you can't make me..." I pull away from his embrace. "I'm not safe right now." I say to him with a growl. 
"No," he says calmly, "You're not. Which is why I'm going to hold you." 
The thought of him bringing himself into such close proximity when the danger is so close to rearing it's head sends a panic through me. "No! You're the last person that should be here if I'm..." I clutch at my head and speak in a lower voice. "Let him stay, monster...let the boy see the real you...see if he still loves you then.." Stop! GET OUT OF ME! 
"I'm not afraid of you." He whispers to me, "And I'm not afraid of -you- either, mister." he whispers in response to the the other voice coming from me.

I rise to my feet, narrowing my eyes at Mongrel. "Not afraid of me? That's ok little pup. We know what you're afraid of.." "...stop...stop.." I say in a desperate voice. He stands too, still watching me, speaking in a voice that's calm and loving,
"Yes you do. You know all my weaknesses and yet I stand before you. You can do your worst but it will not change the fact that I love you and I am here for you and I will do all that I can to protect you."
My thoughts are filled with my maker's voice, I struggle to speak in my own cadence. "I know your weaknesses...I'm one of them." I say in a small voice. Then, more assertive, I respond, "Protect her? How do you expect to protect her? By doing what you did?" I sneer. "I must say I'm impressed, even I never managed to inflict pain like this on her." 
"No, that was a mistake, I know that now. By keeping others from harming her as best as I can... such as yourself." He speaks to my change of voice, almost like he knows it's a hallucination but playing into it anyway, his voice softens, "Maddie come back to me. Maddie, please?" I sob aloud, covering my face with my hands. Desperate to be in control. Desperate to keep him away, to keep him safe. He approaches me but keeps a distance, "Maddie, I want to hold you. Maddie?"
 I pull my hands from my face with a growl, reaching down to my boot. Pulling out my hunting knife, I point it at Mongrel. "Stay...back." I says in a harsh voice. The hand with the knife in it trembles the slightest bit. Maybe if I scare him away. He'll be safe from me. No. Not from me. I'd never.. From him FROM HIM! Quicker than I, he darts forward knocking it out of my hand as he steps towards me. He kicks it out of reach.

Please. Please don't make me hurt him. NO NO! I won't! I WON'T! I hiss angrily, even as I feel a relief wash over my face. "I'm serious...boy..." the voice snarls out of me. I shake my head frantically. NO. GET OUT.  "Mongrel...please..." 
He stays at arm's reach but doesn't come any closer. Standing there with his hands up, "Still here." he says calmly.
He...won't. Leave me. I wrap my arms around myself, speaking in a soft voice, "..still here..he's still here..what's your next move?" The mocking, evil voice in my head is silent. Is it? Did he leave? Am I...are we safe? Abruptly I fall to my knees. Mongrel inches towards me on his knees tentatively wrapping his arms around me. His touch is so welcome I find myself overwhelmed. How can I do this? "Don't." I beg him.. "Please, it's too much. It's too much and it...hurts. I don't understand."
Mongrel whispers, "Are you speaking to me or him? He isn't real, he's just a mirage, Maddie."
I know. I know. You're here. He'll always leave when you're here, Mongrel. I look up at him, tears spilling from my eyes. "You, Mongrel. I'm talking to you." Perplexed by my own thoughts and feelings. "Why do I feel? Like...this?" Hurt. So hurt. Hurt and I just want him to heal me. "Don't." I say again, not even sure who I'm directing my words to. 
He looks at me seriously, eyes appearing far older than a twenty-three year old's, "Do you want me to? I don't think you do which is why I'm still here." 
No, please don't...don't listen to me. Stay with me. Oh, my love. That's what all this is, isn't it? I don't know how to handle this love. "No, no. I want you. I want you here. But...why?" I hold a hand to my chest. He just smiles, watching me, waiting for me to speak. "Is this what it's like? To truly feel and...love?""And...hurt?" 
"I suppose." He whispers into my neck.
I begin to relax in his embrace. Silent for a few moments, when I finally speak again my voice is sad, remorseful. "Oh, god. Mongrel I'm...I'm so sorry." How can I let myself get so out of control? What if I had hurt him? Even if he...hurt me. I'm disgusted with myself. 
He kisses my forehead gently, "Maddie? Are you back?" I close my eyes briefly at the feel of his kiss. I nod, wrapping my arms around him, quietly weeping. "I'm--I'm sorry I---I didn't mean to trigger this." Oh, Mongrel. Not as sorry as I am. I'm sorry that I lose control. I'm sorry that you have to love me. "I guess I should've known. I'm sorry."
"...s'not your fault. Not really. I'm kind of a mess on my own accord, aren't I?" 
"I think you're doing pretty good considering." He smiles.
How can he believe in me after all this? I raise my head, giving him a skeptical look. "Sure. I mean, I didn't gut you...or Dement you...or..." I bury my head in his coat, ashamed. I speak again, my voice muffled and quiet."...Christ..." Christ I love you, Mongrel. Christ I wish I could be...sane for you. Human, for you.

He picks up my knife and tucks it into his trench coat before helping me up. Trying to lighten the mood, I jest. "I'll expect that back when I...yeah." I give him a half hearted smile, but my face remains sad and weary. 
"What was that? I'm a stubborn motherfucker and you love me for it?' I thought so." The half smile twitches into a more natural one."Yes, when you're not all stabby stab, I will give it back."
"When am I -not- all...never mind." I tentatively take his hand.

As they make it back to our haven and walk up the gravel lane to the secluded house, Mongrel addresses me, his tone catching me off guard. "Madelyn I want you to have the house. It's in your name now. You don't have to follow through with the historical renovations so long as you keep paying the bills, they aren't much. I know you can manage." I still, staring at him blankly. What?
"They won't care, they won't follow up, I pulled some strings. It is a safe place that few know about. Only myself, Simon, and Magnus really." Confusion sets it's hooks in me. What is he doing?
I look at him suspiciously. "Why? Are you.." What the hell is he...after what just..I don't understand. Cutting myself off, looking worried, I ask. "Why do you want me to have the house?"
We get to the front porch and he lets me go, leaning on the railing. There are more tears in his eyes that he seems to be trying to fight. He fails his own battle and they spill over while he talks... "You need something of your own and we both need space." 
My heart seems to simultaneously burst into flames and drop into a pit of nothingness. He's...he's leaving me. Oh my...god.
I stare at him. "But..." My face reflects the terror I feel for a split second, before I wipe it clean of emotion. I struggle to speak for a moment, but manage to respond in a detached voice. "Oh. Well. That's what you want. Ok." This is what he wants. What he wanted all along? But I don't want...I turn my face, avoiding meeting eyes with him again. If I look at him. I think I'll just die. There's no way. No way I can take losing him. Please. Please, no. 
"Madelyn" he says in an almost fatherly voice, "I'm not leaving you, just giving you freedom since you are capable of taking care of yourself. I mean it as a gift. I will still be around if you want me to." He gives a wry smile, "And think of it this way, you get all the hot water." His attempt at humor is lost on me. I still can't look at him 
"Ok." I say in that same detached voice. "You're right." Of course you're right. Everyone was right. How did I ever EVER expect to keep him? Why did I think my pathetic excuse for love could hold him to me? Why...why am I so fucking...I cut the thought off. Gotta keep control. Maybe...hey...maybe I can keep him from hurting at least. 
Mongrel seems conflicted, he's still crying bloody tears but manages to keep his voice steady. "You have my cell if you need me. If you -EVER- need me... I um don't hesitate... Maddi--Madelyn."

His last words cause me to look up, well aware of the agony that shows on my face despite my cool response. "Well...thanks. I'll make sure to give you call if I need you...Sheriff." I turn my back to him, stepping back off the porch. Just like that. It's that...that easy. Easy. It's...easy. Oh god. No. No. I hear him give a loud sob behind me. Stop it! Just stop it! Set me on fire! Stab me. KILL ME! Just please stop this. 
I hear his voice, faint as he flickers and disappears down the driveway. "Sorry." I hear the roar of his truck start up before I'm lost in the swirling pain in my thoughts. How could he? How can I? I can't. I CAN'T. I need him! Please, Mongrel! I need you. I....I love you! Please, please, please I can't...how can I live without...I beg for him in my mind, knowing it's pointless. Pathetic. Stupid! I'm so fucking stupid! How did I not realize this is how it would end? That it would end at all? I hear a keening in the air, like a dying animal. It's only when I notice the burning trail of tears down my face that I realize I'm making the sound. I'm falling apart without making a move. Everything. Everything is falling apart. Please. Can't I just die? My feet start moving. Moving away from the house. There's no way I can stay in there without him. The empty house. Empty. Why can't I empty out? I think of my few possesions. The worn news article with my only tangible memory of my family. My feet keep moving. My walk turns into a run, as if I can outrun the pain. Idiot. When have you ever been able to hide from pain? Never.

Before I know it, dawn is threatening. I start towards the shelter of a abandoned building, but pause several feet before I reach the entrance. Oh. My body seems to realize my plans before my mind does. Well, that's simple. Of course, Madelyn. The sky starts to lighten. I forgot how beautiful the sky could be. Pathetically, I find myself wishing I could share the beauty of it with...STOP. Just fucking let it go. Like he's letting you go. Let it all go. This is one thing you can be strong enough to do. My skin feels hot. It hurts, but I'm not stranger to pain. Not at all. I set my eyes on the rising sun for the first time in over fifty years. Don't remember it being that...bright. The heat increases as my skin starts to burn. And as hard as I'm trying to let go...as much as I want to give up...

I use what could possibly be the last remaining bit of strength and rush to the shelter in a blur of speed. When my scorched, damaged body makes it into one of the windowless rooms, I collapse with a scream. Despite the burns covering my flesh, my scream is not one of physical pain. It echoes in the empty building, I find myself expecting it to destroy the foundation of the walls themselves. Bury me in my pain. No...such...luck. I curl in the corner, allowing the pull of sleep drag me under, my last thought being of my...no. Not mine. Not mine anymore.