As I recall with my stomach turning, I was hiding away from myself, away from you. Like nothing, though something was terribly wrong.

I need some fresh air. Stepping out of the now antiseptic smelling house, I take a seat on the porch steps. Plugging my ear plugs in, I flip to a random song. Leslie Caron and Mel Ferrer serenade me with a tune from Lili. My favorite movie when I was...well...I sigh. One of the neighbors walk their dog down the sidewalk. Approaching the house, the dog starts barking like mad. His owner gives me a wary look, crossing the street to the adjacent walkway with haste. Despite what had to of been a blood buffet earlier I still get that twinge. I will my inner beast aside. I've already caused enough trouble tonight. Let's not cross any more boundaries. Thou shalt not consume they neighbor, and what not. I hang my head down between my knees, linking my hands behind my neck. I can't even fool myself with my own thoughts. It's not fresh air I need, it's a fucking lobotomy. I'm still hearing whispers. Trying to distract myself with cleaning, music...anything. I still hear the murmuring. I'm weary to my bones, but still not weary enough to calm and reassure myself that these quiet threats are a figment of my imagination. Yes. Yes, I know. Pyotr wants me dead. Franco is going to fillet me and serve me on toast. Everyone and their mother wants me dead. I'm a monster. I'm a beast. I know. I know. SHUT UP. Unconsciously, I emphasize the shout in my head by punching my fist through the step. I quickly pull my bleeding hand out of the hole, scooting over to cover it as I feel Mongrel's eyes on my back from inside the house. I hide my hand in my lap, keeping my gaze ahead. I'm about to start whistling innocently when his cell phone rings from inside, creating a distraction. I pull one of my ear buds out, turning my head to the door as I habitually lick the blood from my injured hand. Listening to Mongrel's irked tone, I pause the music to discern who's on the other line. Hmm. Ronin. Filling Mongrel in on that whole house of horrors deal. I make a face. Shady ass Gangrel. I unpause my tunes. Glad that, for once, I made a wise decision to not join the handful of Kindred on that little trek. I've got my own house of horrors right here. I think, attempting to rub the wrinkles of stress from my forehead. The cacophony of sound coming from the headphones is just accumulating more voices to the din. Pulling both plugs out of my ears, I toss the ipod to the side.

I stare off into the shroud of night. I feel like my thoughts are getting blacker by the moment. Simultaneously wanting to shriek, cry, throw myself on the ground and tear something to pieces...I try to settle myself. Does anyone really have even an inkling of how toilsome it is being stuck in here? Fucking...madness. That word. It's too fucking GENTLE for this. I clench my fists, blood oozing from the one. Is it even the madness I despise? Or is it the sanity? After all, without the sanity I wouldn't even be BOTHERED by any of this. Argh! THIS IS NO WAY TO EXIST. My visage switches from fury to despondency in an instant. It really is a shame Mongrel has that asinine devotion towards me. He'd probably be given a medal of honor for doing me in. My expression softens. My Mongrel. I sigh. Maybe I'll start a feud with E. Driscole. Ha! That one would JUMP at the chance to obliterate me. Briefly laughing to myself, I climb to my feet. A glance towards the horizon gives me barest predecessor to sunrise. I cross my arms, dropping my eyes once again to the ground. I could just stay out here. No. That wouldn't work. Of course Mongrel would pull me in before I'm incinerated. Once again, I'd just be putting him in peril. I could take off...just keep running until the sun comes up. Then...poof. No more voices. No more haunts. No more insanity. No more..Maddie. I bet it would hurt. Yeah. It would hurt. Not just me. I shake my head, attempting to clear it. Ugh. Stop. Quit this self pitying, gloomy shit. I turn on my heel, striding back into the house. Mongrel glances at me, still on the phone, then back to the map on the computer screen. I plop down cross legged next to his chair, smiling as I feel his hand nonchalantly smoothing the hair back from my forehead. Leaning against his leg, I close my eyes and savor the brief lull in my delirium.