Losing the battle I've waged on myself. Lock me up and toss the key.

This is hell. I must be in hell.

There's a spring sticking out of the couch, poking into my back, but I lack the energy, ability or desire to adjust my position. The smell of my own blood is cloying, rising from my clothes and body like a tangible mist. Like Pigpen, from the Peanuts comic. I snicker, a diseased and unsettling sound in the silence of the house. There's a pain in my wrist, and I look down at my own hand, digging nails into the still open wounds from earlier. With effort, I pull my hand away and lay it flat on the couch cushion.

Stop procrastinating. Talk to him.Before my cowardice can get the better of me, I reach out to Alex's mind. I know my desperate attempt to keep the tone of my thoughts clear and calm is obvious. "I'm at my house. I didn't know if you'd still want me in yours. You can come here, unless you don't want to."
It's quiet in my head. Too quiet, until Alex's voice echoes in my thoughts. His tone is manic, almost crazed. "Busy. Dealing with shit. Need to work, will contact you later." My lip trembles, as he adds, "Love you."
For awhile, I can't reply. I'm trembling, terrified, wincing as each tremble sends a shock wave of pain through my abused body. I fruitlessly hope the pain doesn't register to Alex as I respond, "I love you."

Alone. I'm going to be alone. My eyes well up and spill over. Blood I can't afford to expend, but it's my fault. My fault that he doesn't want to be with me. My fault that Sailix is a hairsbreadth away from losing it completely. My fault. My fault. Blood is once more leaking down my palm, and I don't bother pulling my fingers from the wound. I need pain. I need to be hurt and punished. I can't feel this any more. Tybalt. Tybalt. Tybalt. I attempt to rise from the couch, but my legs won't support me. Abrading my skin on the threadbare carpet, I crawl into my bedroom. The only room with any semblance of comfort.

But none. What comfort is in solitude? OH GOD HE'S DEAD. Covering my mouth, the sobs that escape my lips are muffled. I reach into my own brain, searching for Tybalt's thoughts, searching for his familiar mental tone and flavor. "Please Tybalt. Please answer me. Please." There's nothing. No reply, same as before. I crawl to my open closet, unable and unwilling to seek refuge anywhere else. I push aside stray clothing and random weapons on the closet floor. My hand touches a small jar. I know what it is without looking. Clear jar, black lid. About a quarter of the way full of dark blue Manic Panic hair dye. I see Tybalt, banished from his city, stowed away in my house in the woods. The blue dye dripping slightly down his forehead. His 'how the hell did I let you talk me into this' look as I slather on more of the dye, manically giggling.

My scream is deafening in the small space. This can't be real. None of it.

I died. I died, and this is hell.

Of course. It all makes sense. I was so stupid, so careless after Mongrel left me. Not brave enough to stay in the sun, I antagonized the Sabbat. Dared them to act. Dared them to come after me. And they did. And they killed me. It took a group of them, but they did it. And since then...

I curl into a ball, my hand still clenched around the jar of dye. It all makes sense. Tommy was the last one to take me in before I died. He was the one who warned me against instigating the Sabbat. Of course I'd believe that he brought me back. Of course I'd believe that I owe him my life. I don't know any better. And being dead...that's why my Sire is so quiet. That's why I let Tommy do these horrible things to me. Someone has to. Someone has to beat the monster out of me. Into me. Whatever. That's why Pyotr is back. I'm so selfish, of course I wouldn't let him be dead. That's why I feel the need to help Sailix. I'd have to think up someone to replace Fate. Let me feel like I'm more than just a burden to people. I need someone just as crazy as me to befriend and take care of. Like Sailix. It all makes sense. That's why I lost Tybalt. My friend, my brother. This is hell, after all. The devil giveth, and the devil taketh away.

My fist comes to my mouth, my teeth biting down on the skin. It brings me the pain I understand. Something in the action is almost pacifying, and the wounded animal cries that filled the closet begin to subside. I want so badly to reach out to Pyotr or Sailix, but fear of the disappointment and disgust in their eyes is enough to dissuade me. I want to call Tommy back. He said he'd be whatever I needed. The nurturing, loving Thomas that holds me and tries so hard to patch up my wounds.

I want my Alex. The cruelest aspect of this hell. It'd be too easy if I loved him and he hurt me. No. I'm used to that. That's old news. Instead, I'm the one to hurt him. To destroy the person I love, over and over and over again. To wear him down until there's nothing left but pain and regret. The look in Alex's eyes when Tommy took my arm and led me away from him is worse than every strike, slice, burn or beating that I've felt.

This is the hell that I've made. I pull my mangled hand from my mouth and wipe and my lips. I need to see him. I need to at least see Alex. I need to know that he's... Another wail of pain. I know he's not OK. He's not, and it's because of me. I could crawl on my hands and knees back to him. Maybe I'd beat the dawn, maybe I wouldn't. No. No. I can see him. I can go. I'm safe in here. He wouldn't even have to know.

Without a second thought, I'm looking down at my torpid body. If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was a corpse. Beaten and bloodied. Inhuman. Just some forgotten trash heaped into an abandoned old house. After a moment, my consciousness moves through the house and out into the woods, heading towards Crownsville.

Selfish.

https://youtu.be/_BiweD9b0tc

I don't know what isn't real. But it's easy to beat me.

"I have a present for you, little one."
I turn towards the sound of Tommy's voice, but I'm halted by his firm grip on my shoulders. His hands move and come into my view, holding a strip of silky fabric between them. He draws the fabric over my eyes, tying the ends behind my head and blocking off my sight. My lips part to question him, but before I can speak, his hand lands on my buttocks in a sharp smack. I close my mouth with a quiet whimper.
"No defiance tonight, little one. Not when I've been kind enough to grant you a gift."
I press my lips together, and move forward with his prompting. Wherever he's leading me to is painfully quiet. I breathe in through my nose, picking up the odor of his cologne and a familiar scent that causes my stomach to drop.

I close my eyes under the blindfold, even as I feel Tommy's fingers loosen the knot and draw the fabric away from my face. A voice calls my name from somewhere in front of me, and I pry my eyelids apart to settle my gaze on Alex. He's reclining on the bed, covers pulled to his waist, chest bare. Tommy strokes my hair from behind me, preening me like a dog. I know my expression portrays fear. Terror, even, at the proximity of both of my lovers. I flinch as Tommy's hand clamps on the crook of my shoulder, his lips close to my ear. "I want you to show him what I've taught you. Show the boy what you've learned from our lessons."
I look to Alex, bewildered by the calm, natural smile on his face. My body yearns to go to him, to protect him, to hide myself in his arms. His voice is low and soothing as he meets my eyes and says, "It's ok, Madelyn. I love you, I trust you. I want you to share this with me."

Alex's words only bring the slightest sense of comfort, lessened when Tommy's voice comes from behind me, his tone commanding. "Strip." I drop my gaze to the floor, shoulders sagging. Something sharp presses into my back, not quite hard enough to draw blood. In a venomous whisper, Tommy once more speaks in my ear. "Do as I say, or I will tear the boy to shreds while you watch." His hands shove me forward, roughly. Still unable to bring my gaze from my feet, I lift the hem of my shirt, drawing it over my torso and breasts, pulling it over my head and tossing the garment onto the floor. I swipe my mussed hair from my face, and follow suit with removing my shorts. Before my hesitation even fully manifests, Tommy's words reach my ears. "All of it, little one." My underwear joins the shorts, and I'm almost proud at the minimal trembling in my hands as I unclasp and remove my bra. I risk a glance at the man behind me and the one before me, knowing a normal woman would bask in such attention. Instead, I avert my gaze, shamed by my nudity. In my peripheral vision, I see Alex beckon me forward.

From behind me, Tommy commands, "Go to him. Show him the fruits of our labor."
From ahead of me, Alex implores, "Please?"
I approach the bed, my gaze traveling upwards at the tented fabric covering Alex's waist. Gripping the bottom of the blanket, I pull it towards me, exposing his naked flesh as I ball the blanket up and shove it to the side. Staring into his eyes, I climb onto the bed at his feet and crawl over his body, my bare skin grazing his in a way that makes me shiver. I settle myself onto his hips, smiling tentatively as his warms hands grasp my waist. The heat of his body warms mine, and I find myself moving against him, surprised at the dim pleasure I feel.  Bending down to kiss him, I whisper, "I love you, Alex."
His hands grasp tighter, as he adjusts himself under me. I feel his erection press against me, and his strained hesitation as he bites lightly at my lower lip. "I want you, Madelyn. Can...can I have you?" There is true and honest desire as I speak his name, taking one of his hands off my waist and kissing each finger tip. He enters me, and I moan slightly, my body leaning over as I rock my hips against his. Alex's hand moves to the back of my head, his fingers curling in my hair as his kisses trail from my lips, to my jaw, to the tender skin at the curve of my neck. I shiver, closing my eyes, feeling every touch throughout my body.
This must be what Tommy was trying to teach me...

As if summoned by my thoughts, the smell of Tommy's cologne grows stronger. My eyes open, as the bed creaks with the added weight of another body. I whimper slightly, and Alex strokes his hand against my face, his expression concerned. "Did I hurt you?"
I stutter a indiscernible reply, as Tommy chuckles from behind me. The priest's warm body draws close to mine, his skin now bare. His hands come around my chest, gripping tightly, painfully at my breasts. Alex's hips still move against mine, as I feel Tommy's erection pressed close between my buttocks. "Will you let us both fuck you, little one? Will you indulge in both your lovers and allow yourself to be pleasured?"
I'm denied the option to refuse, as Tommy forces himself into my anus. Skewered between both men, trapped between their bodies, I begin to panic. Tommy's nails dig into my flesh, as he grips tighter. His fangs graze the bare skin of my shoulder as he moans his pleasure. From underneath me, Alex pulls me into a soft kiss. Even as his lips caress mine, frightened tears sneak from my eyes. A red tinged drop falls onto his cheek, and he pulls back, wiping at his face. My voice is mewling, begging almost as I repeat, "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm sorry."

He opens his mouth to reply, and with a hard thrust of his hips, Tommy reaches past me. Something glints in his hand, and in an instant, Alex's blood splashes onto me. His throat is a wide gash from ear to ear and I struggle to cover the wound as Tommy continues his assault on my body, tossing the bloody knife over the side of the bed. "You did this, little one. Remember, this is your fault. The moment allowed him to love you, you doomed him to this fate."
Alex's hands fall from my body, and I stare into his eyes, failing to staunch the flow of blood from his neck. "No, Alex please! Please don't leave me! Please, I'm sorry..stay with me. Stay with me!"
All animation drains from his face, and I shriek as his body dissolves into ash under me. I struggle to escape the bed, but Tommy grabs at me, forcing my face into the mattress as he violates me. I choke and sputter as Alex's remains grind against my skin. My eyes burn with tears and ash. Tommy's hand twist into my hair, as he pounds into me without reprieve.
"This is your fault. Remember this is your fault. This is your fault."
Tommy's words force themselves into my ears as his body does. His voice changes. Sounding like Alex. Sounding like my Sire. Sounding like me.

~~~~~~~

I feel a sharp snap and struggle to keep my pained cry silent. Pulling the side of my hand from between my clenched fangs, I stare uncomprehending at the blood that trickles from the wounds on my battered extremity. I breathe in, forcing the clean, clear air through my lungs. Sitting up slightly, I turn my head, seeing Alex safe and tangled in his blankets. Fractionally comforted by his presence, I peel one of my socks from my foot and tie it around my bleeding hand. Moving to prop myself against the wall, I keep my eyes on Alex. He rolls over, his head coming to rest against my thigh. I place my hand on his shoulder, my bitten hand still throbbing with pain as I wait out the rest of the day.

https://youtu.be/xXXL8PADCDQ

I'm dead, I see things clearly. I confess, I feel this pain.

I pull the comforters around my naked body, drawing the fabric to my face to breathe in Alex's scent. To breathe in both our scents, intermingled. Looking around the darkened room, I smile when I hear a small mumble come from behind me. The bed creaks as Alex rolls over in his sleep. His body cuddles up to mine under the covers, his chest to my back, his arm over mine. I tense slightly as his hand rests against my bare breast. Part of me is waiting for his fingers to clench down in a tight pinch, waiting for his nails to dig into the soft flesh and draw blood. But, no. Not my Alex. I relax, trying to keep still enough to not disturb him. The walls are peppered with Star Wars memorabilia and anime posters. Everything in the room is like a small glimpse into Alex's personality. My smile wilts slightly as I spot the long formal dress and ridiculously bourgeois undergarments lying in a wrinkled pile on his carpet. I can smell them from my spot on the bed. Soap and tulips and Tommy's cologne. I curl closer against Alex, but there's a pang in my chest as I do so. The priest has crept into my thoughts and drawn a cold, intangible shade over my bliss.

I carefully extract myself from Alex's embrace, gently kissing his hand as I place it on the mattress. Suddenly over aware of my nudity, I pick up one of Alex's shirts and pull it over my head and body, before quietly creeping from the bedroom. I pick up the small pile of wet and bloody paper towels, and with a moment of searching, find the trash can and drop them in. The strangely sweet smell of Alex's blood tickles my nostrils as I pace the kitchen.

He still hasn't told me why he went with Rook.

No. That's not true. He told me why, just not what he found out. My brow furrows, and I rub at my forehead, smoothing the skin there. Again, my thoughts steal to Tommy, alone in his church. My hands move to rub at my eyes, remember his hazel ones brimming with tears. The bouquet of flowers that I hastily hid before Alex picked me up.

Why does he do this to me?

The physical abuse is one thing. I can handle that. I -have- handled that. But the way he speaks to me, when he speaks to me like I'm equal to him. Doesn't he realize? He doesn't need to tell me he loves me. Doesn't need to say that he depends on me. I'll keep coming back. I can't not. I'm so weak. So dependent on anyone who will give me what I've deluded myself into thinking I need.

But why? Why do I need Tommy? Alex accepts me for who I am. For what I am. He loves me. He makes me smile.  

I drop my eyes, watching my feet as I pace.

Why can't I just be happy? Am I not allowed? 
The answer lingers in my thoughts and I stop my momentum. 
I do deserve to be happy. I'm not a monster because I want to be, I'm a monster because I have to be. Every horrible thing I've done, I did it because I was hand crafted into beast. Over a year. I spent over a year in that bomb shelter. I was good, and pure, and kind. My maker cut that out of me. Burned it and beat it out of me. 

My hand creeps under the collar of Alex's shirt, unconsciously rubbing at the scars on my shoulders. The scars that he lovingly caressed. Because he loves me, despite of everything. I am allowed to be happy. I can be happy. I -am- happy.

Then why aren't you asleep in your dead lover's arms?

Small drops of red splatter onto the linoleum floor, and I rub the crimson stains away with the toe of my sock. My body smells of Alex. It smells of Tommy. It smells of deep rooted shame and humiliation, like a misbehaving dog awaiting correction. I leave the kitchen, traveling back to the bedroom with the care of a stranger in an unknown house. My eyelids droop as I reenter the room, closing the door behind me. Alex is still in the same position, his arm and hand reaching out for his missing lover. Peeling his shirt from my back, I crawl back into the bed, facing him, pressing close against his cool skin. I kiss his bare chest, murmuring his name before drifting into unconsciousness.

https://youtu.be/bkcqyKaIwjo

I pulled you closer, tighter. Cause I knew you'd disappear.

It's about an hour after sundown, and I'm once more outside of St. Leo's in Little Italy. Brow furrowed, rolling my cell nervously between my hands, I stare up at the church. Light radiates from the stained glass windows, but no cars are parked in the gated lot. I give my cell one last squeeze, before pushing it down into the top of my boot. Climbing the stairs, I breathe in the almost oppressively strong scent of floor wax. The faint sound of music, and some sort of rhythmic scratching comes from the perimeter of the door. I grip the door handle, stroking my thumb over the cool metal before pulling the door open and stepping within the church.

I blink a few times, confused. The room is clear, the pews pushed to the side walls and the wooden floor is shining with wax. The Bee Gees croon Tragedy from large speakers on the altar. The strange scraping sound grows louder as Tommy glides out from the rear of the church on a pair of quad skates. My mouth drops open in shock, the distress and guilt melting away as I set eyes on this almost delightful sight. Covering my smile with one hand, I make my way to Tommy as he waves me over. He rolls up to meet me, kissing my cheek with cold lips as he passes. I drop my hand, wide eyed and smiling at Tommy. "I didn't know that you could skate."
Tommy spins to a stop, his wheels scraping against the floor. "I didn't know you were coming, or else I would have cleaned."
My smile falters a bit. "That's...you don't have to worry about stuff like that. I didn't mean to impose, or anything."
Tommy offers his own smile. "You're not imposing, my little love. Take a seat in the lounge, I'll be by in a moment."
"OK." Remembering why I came here, my gleeful expression dissipates. I blink a few times before heading towards the lounge as Tommy directed. The sound of wheels rolling across wood continues for a few minutes after I perch on a small love seat.
The sound stops, and Tommy enters the lounge in his socks, retrieving his loafers from under a chair. He places the shoes in my lap, before taking a seat next to me. "Untie these for me, little one." I begin picking the knots apart, loosening the laces as Tommy sets his right foot against my thigh. Without looking at him, I put the shoes to the side and slightly push his pant leg up to adjust his sock. Retrieving the right shoe, I slide it onto his foot, straightening the tongue and tying the laces snug against the top of his foot. Tommy, with an expression of pride and comfort on his countenance, replaces his right foot with the left. "Thank you, little one." I repeat the process, smoothing his pant leg down and meeting his eyes. His gaze is one of compassion and amusement as he retrieves his foot.

Rising to his feet, he snaps his fingers. "Come, little one. We have a trip to take."
My hand sneaks to my pocket, clenching obsessively around my cell phone. "A trip?"
"Yes, my dear. First, we need to get you changed into your traveling clothes. Come."
I hesitate, leaning forward slightly in my seat."Where are we going?" I fail to hide the worry in my tone.
"Come." Tommy repeats, reaching into his inner-coat pocket for a disc of dry cologne. "I will give you your medicine when we get back home."
I take my hand from my pocket, folding both of them into my lap. I unconsciously cringe from the flippancy in my voice. "Would it kill you to just answer a question?"
Tommy stares down at me, as if I were a vaguely interesting item or creature. Casually, he presses the glass pot of cologne hard against my forehead. I flinch, pulling my head away and dropping my eyes. He begins to walk away, his tone bland. "Come," he repeats.
I stand and follow him with dragging feet, ashamed of myself. Tommy whistles to himself as he pulls a bag from under the altar. I watch him, speaking more to myself than to Tommy. "...I can't be alone anymore."
He ignores my statement and motions towards the altar. "I believe you remember the moves to the dance, little one." Tired, weak and frightened, I silently beg Tommy with my eyes. He walks around me, smacking my behind hard enough to make me stumble. My hands move to remove my clothing, my eyes dropping to the ground. "No!" He smacks me again. "Bad!" His hand meets its mark a third time before he continues, "You will get up on the altar and I will remove your clothing. I will then dress you, if you are good enough to deserve clothing. Then we will go out."

"I'm sorry, Tommy.." I step away from him, and lifting myself onto the altar.

"It's alright, little one." He states, placing the bag on the ground.

After stretching, popping his joints and cracking his back, Tommy begins untying my boots. "I know that you don't know any better. We'll be working on that later tonight."
I chew my lip, my hand stealing to the pocket in my skirt once more. "It's been a rough week." I reply, tentatively.
"I'm sorry, little one. You're alright now, my dear." His tone is paternal as he pulls the boot off my foot. He removes my other boot and looks to my hand as I remove the phone from my pocket, squeezing it compulsively. "Does my little one have a bauble?"
I open my hand, showing him the small, outdated flip phone. "I...I have to.." I look to the device and whisper, "Alex is away and I need to be able to.."
He reaches for the bottom of my shirt. "I don't think your new clothes have pockets."
I chew the inside of my cheek and meet Tommy's eyes. "Could you hold it for me? Please?" My voice is pleading and appeasing. "Please, sir?"
"Yes, little one." He holds his hand out for the phone, the other hand still gripping the bottom of my shirt. I place the phone into his hand and press a soft kiss on his mouth. Tommy smiles, "Arms up, little one." I comply immediately, raising my arms, my eyes following his movements as he tucks the phone into his suit pocket. I don't move or flinch as he pulls my shirt up and off my body. The neck of the shirt musses my hair, but I keep my arms up, eager to please. Tommy gives me a look of approval. "Very good girl." His finger presses against my stomach, tracing down to the hem of my skirt. "You can place your arms down, Madelyn."
I lower my arms and sweep my hair from my face. "Thank you, sir."
Tommy's eyes are on my bra as he comments, "I'm glad that you're preserving your modesty." His hands move to unzip my skirt. "Lift yourself, unless you don't know if you can, little one." I press my palms to the altar, lifting myself slightly as he pulls my skirt and underwear to my ankles. "Very good, my little dear."
I set myself back down, speaking in a quiet tone. "Tommy?"

He shushes me, directing me to turn as he pulls the garments from my ankles. Again, I comply, and he unclasps my bra, pulling it off my shoulders. I say his name again, my eyes on my feet. He places a finger under my chin, lifting my face to his. "Yes, little one?"
"You...you love me?"
He tosses the bra to the side. "I do, my little dear."
My eyes are wide as I meet his gaze. "And...you won't ever leave me?" My lip trembles slightly.
Tommy's expression becomes one of pity and worry. "I never have, little one. I never will."
I swallow, hard in my throat, dropping my head so my face is obscured. "He said he'd come back. He said he'd be back the next night and it's now and I've been alone this whole time..." 
Tommy reaches into his coat pocket briefly, before picking me up to his chest, wrapping my legs around his waist. "I'm here, little one. You're never alone."
Noticing his hand, my expression grows panicked. I cling to him, near tears. "Tommy...what did you? Please don't. I have to be able to know he's alright.."
Tommy makes a shushing sound, subtly pressing his groin against me. "It's still on, little one. I won't let you be alone."
I hold tightly to him, resting my head on his shoulder. My mouth brushes Tommy's neck as I whisper, "Do you promise?"
"I do, little one." He holds me, gently grasping my thighs with his hands, keeping me flush against him. "I don't like lying to my little girl."
"Not liking something, and not doing something, are two different things." I kiss his neck, gently. "I trust you." I fear my voice betrays my disbelief in my own words, but Tommy doesn't comment.

Tommy lightly drops me back on the altar, then retrieves the phone from his pocket. He places it next to my bare thighs, a small light proving it's active status. "Are you ready for our trip, little one?"
I glance at the device, pleased, before taking note of my nudity. "Are you going to dress me, first?"
Tommy pulls the bag up, setting it on the altar next to me. "Not, yet. Once again, I find myself needing to bathe you and otherwise alter your state of grooming." He chuckles, lightly placing his hand between my legs. "Will my little girl let me bathe her?"
I drop my eyes, shamed. "If...if you feel like I need to be more presentable." My hand rises to twist a hank of my hair between my fingers.
Tommy replies, in a reassuring tone, "There's nothing to be ashamed of, little one. You couldn't have know that I needed you clean for tonight." He places his arm under my knees, and the other arm behind me. "Are you ready?"
I drop my hand from my hair and reply, "Yes, sir."
Easily picking me up, Tommy carries me into his quarters, then into the restroom. He immediately lays me down into the cold porcelain of the tub. I look up at him warily, as he takes off his coat, his  tie, and his shirt. Then, he turns on the hot water. "Would you like me to shave you, or does my little girl know how?"
I pull my feet up towards my body, hiding my nudity. "Shave? Do you want me to...everything?"
"Just your princess parts, little one." Tommy retrieves his own phone from his pocket.
At his childish reference, my eyebrow quirks up, and similarly, the corner of my mouth. I drop my eyes, a dull and tired humor in my response. "I can do that."
"Good girl." Thomas places his phone up to his face and begins playing music.
I adjust myself in the tub so that I'm kneeling in the steadily rising water. Taking the razor from Tommy, I pointedly avoid his eyes while carefully shaving away the hair in between my legs. Tommy keeps the phone level, then asks, "Are you excited about our night out?" I still don't look at him, simply continuing the process. I quietly finish removing the hair from my pubic area, setting the razor on the lip of the tub and lowering myself so that my bottom rests on my ankles. Tommy turns off the music and sits the phone on the tiled floor. With a gentle hand ,he lathers soap and begins cleaning my back. "We're going out tonight, my Madelyn. There's a place that I think you'll enjoy seeing while I give you your lesson."
I lean forward, still on my knees, allowing him better access to my back. My lips turn up into a small smile as I reminisce on the scout camp we visited a month or so back."Oh? I...I liked the last place you took me." 
"I'm glad. I like to think that you don't just deserve pain, little one. You and I are entitled to distractions." Tommy presses hard on my back, and I close my eyes as he massages as he cleans. "I want you clean, Madelyn. I want you to feel safe." He cleans my shoulders and stops the flowing water.
"I feel safe...with you." I open my eyes, turning my face towards him. "Which is probably stupid."

I'm shocked by the change in Tommy's expression. Blood wells up in his eyes, and he turns away from me, wiping the soap suds off onto his slacks. My head cocks to the side, and I reach for him as he turns away. "Tommy, what did I...I'm sorry?"
He shrugs off my touch, visibly trembling as he collects his clothing. "Just finish cleaning yourself, little one. I'm sorry-" he breathes, then continues, "I'll dress you when you're done."
"Wait...no." I stand in the tub, the warm, soapy water dripping off my bare form. "I didn't mean to upset you, please...please don't leave me."
Tommy wipes his face on his tie before turning back to look at me. With a voice still bearing trembles and quakes, he responds with an affirmative sound and returns to the side of the tub. He turns the water back on, turning on the shower head. "Do you mind if I join you, little one?" His chest is covered in small suds, his eyes still bearing streaks of dried blood in their periphery.
"I'd like that," I reply, my tone light and appeasing. He begins to unbutton his slacks and I reach forward to gently place my hands at his waistband. "I can help?" My desperation to please him, to distract him from his tears, is obvious.
"Yes, little one. You may." Tommy slides off the shoes so expertly tied and slips off his socks. I lean forward and pull him closer. My eyes stay on his as I unzip his pants and push them off his hips. He steps from the pants, and into the ankles-deep water. "Thank you, my little dear." He smiles and kisses my forehead. Chewing my lip, I rise on my toes so that my face is close to his. Placing a hand on each side of his jaw, I brush my tongue against Tommy's flesh, tasting the dried tears on his cheeks. He reaches up to turn the shower head towards our faces, attempting a playful smile.
I settle back onto my heels, pushing my wet hair from my face, concerned. "Tommy...sir? Did I do something wrong?"
"No, little one. I just haven't been persuasive enough. I want you to feel at home with me, in your natural state."
"Oh." I drop my gaze, feeling guilty. "It's not your fault. I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of...of lots of things."
Tommy kisses my head again. "The world can be terrifying, my dear. When you're with me, however, you're the only thing worth fearing."
I stand flush against Tommy, my palms flat on his stomach, my forehead resting on his chest. "I'd like to not be afraid of anything."
He kisses the top of  head again, breathing deeply, as if to memorize my scent. "The only way would be to accept what you are, Madelyn. Until then, you'll always be afraid of what you could do to those you love."
I turn my gaze up to his face, still pressed closely. "You'll teach me? Teach me to be better?"
A smile pulls the corner of his lip taut. "If you wish, little one. We'll continue tonight, once you're all clean."
I study his face, my own expression slightly concerned. Stepping away from him, I rest my arms at my sides. "Do you want to finish cleaning me, sir?"
Tommy retrieves the bar of soap, lathering it between his palms. Despite his cordial, nearly paternal tone, his cock stiffens against his thigh. "Face away from me, Madelyn. We'll finish this quickly and get you to your lesson."
My eyes fall below his waist, and I attempt to hide my embarrassed expression. Turning away from him, I twist my wet hair into a tail, pulling it over my shoulder to allow Tommy full access to my back and shoulders. Tommy massages me with the soap, starting at my back and moving to my hips. As his hands move down to my backside, he states, "Arms out and legs open, little one." I comply, spreading my feet as far as the confine of the tub allows. He liberally applies soap between my thighs and under my arms, but doesn't spend overlong in either area. His voice commands from behind me, "Rinse." I step closer to the shower head, thoroughly rinsing the front of my body. When I turn to face him, his expression seems etched with hunger. Nervously, I lean my head back, closing my eyes as I rinse the soap from my back and hair. Tommy's voice sounds unsteady as he directs me to exit the tub and begin drying myself. I open my eyes, curiously studying him as the water continues to stream down my body. He repeats the command, almost angrily, and I move past him to exit the tub. Tommy begins to rinse himself briskly, and I chew my lip as I retrieve a towel and pat myself dry. He shuts the water off, and I wrap the towel around myself, watching Tommy as he brushes past me, and into his bedroom.

Fidgeting from foot to foot, I try to keep the concern from my expression as Tommy returns with the bag from the altar. "Are you quite well, little one?"
I hold the towel to my chest, glancing at the bag. "I'm OK..." My tone is timid as I continue, "I haven't done anything wrong, have I?"
He withdraws a black fabric from the bag, a dress, and lays it on the bed. "No, little one. You've been very good tonight, so your lesson is going to be quite easy."
I smile, tentatively. "Thank you, sir. I..." I pause, "..I want to be good for you."
Thomas returns the smile, then lays out a complete outfit on the bed. "I know you do, little one. I think you'll learn quite a bit tonight. We're going to a funeral."
My brow furrows. "A funeral? Why?"
"To commit a murder. Now get dressed, my little dear. If you delay, your punishment might come, after all."
Taken aback, I reply, "A murder at a funeral? That seems redundant..."
Tommy turns his back to enter his walk-in-closet. From the inside, he projects, "The killer will be at the funeral. They confessed as much to me during their attempts to gain penance from God. Luckily, I don't let others off the hook so easily as the Christian God."
"Does that...bother you? Someone murdering another person?"
"Not typically. I think it was in the way that the person did it. Who they did it to, how they did it. I know that you and I are blights on the world-" his voice is cut off by the sound of a shirt being pulled over his head, "but we should feel free to use our nature to it's best possible purpose." Tommy reemerges from the closet in his black boxer-briefs and a white undershirt. He holds a simple pair of pants and a button up shirt in his hands.
I watch him, intent on both his actions and his words. "What did they do?"
"They bedded their daughter. I say 'they' because the mother knew. She allowed herself to be complicit, to be infected by her husband's monstrous nature." He pauses, "I'm not forgiving when monsters let their nature infect the innocent."
"That's..." I trail off, staring at him without expression. After a moment, I begin to dress myself, finishing my sentence in a quiet afterthought. "...ironic."

Tommy looks like he's about to say something, but  the tinny sound of Casino Night Zone comes from within the room. Clothed in just underwear, I drop the dress from my hands. My expression fluctuates between excitement and fear as I glance at Tommy, then the phone. Tommy, smiling at the sudden panic on my face, commands, "Get it, little one." I'm by the table with the phone in my hand in an instant. I press it to my ear, answering almost timidly. "...hello?"
My heart sings as Alex's voice comes through the headset. "Hey! Rook got me back early. I really need to see you, where are you?"
I'm silent for almost a whole minute, trying to absorb the reality of the situation. "Alex? It's really you? Actually you?"
Alex laughs over the phone. "Yeeaahh, who else would it be? Rook told me he was able to give you my message the other night, but said you were worried. I worked something out with him and he got me back early. Actually, I didn't know it was early until I got back, I thought I was late. Time is fucked up over there. Anyways, I got so much shit to tell you. Where are you?" He talks quickly, the sounds in the background hinting to him driving.
"I...what?" I struggle to comprehend his words, looking to Tommy nervously.
Tommy states, loudly enough to be heard, "Go to him, little one. Cherish what time of happiness and reprieve you have on this earth. You're allowed that much."
My voice is small and scared as I reply over the phone. "I'll meet you somewhere. Anywhere."
There's silence on the other end before Alex speaks up "Who was that?  he asks, in a rather dead pan, suddenly very un-excited tone. "Was that him? Are you with him right now? Are you at St. Leo's?"
Tommy picks the dress up, smiling and handing it to me as he speaks up, "Your car is on it's way."
Whatever happiness I felt at hearing Alex's voice seems to melt away. I feel a single tear trace a bloody course down my cheek. "I'll...I'll meet you somewhere Alex. Anywhere...please."
Tommy kisses my cheek, "You're welcome, my little dear."
Another brief silence from Alex. "OK...just, tell me where. I want you to leave, right now. I'll come pick you up from anywhere."
My eyes stay on Tommy, as I reply. "The harbor. By the Aquarium."
The sound of an engine revving grows louder. "OK, I'm on 95 now. I'll be there in like, 15 minutes. Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?"
I shake my head, unseen by Alex. "No. No, I'll be OK. I'll see you soon. I love you, Alex."
He sighs. "OK. Please be safe. I love you too." He waits, as if unwilling to disconnect.
I struggle to find something to say. Some words of comfort to hold him over until I can touch him. Tommy directs a comment to the mouthpiece of the phone, "Drive safely." I quickly flip the phone closed against an angrily whispered hiss of Spanish.

Wiping the stray tear from my cheek, Tommy remarks, "You're allowed to be happy. It's not something we get often, and the time is fleeting, but you deserve it. Keep to him as long as you can before it dies." I clutch the phone in my hand and ignore him as he instructs me to raise my arms. I stand still, head down, shaking slightly. He waits patiently, and after a moment I lift my arms. "I don't blame you, you know." My mouth opens to reply, but nothing comes out. Tommy continues, "Lessons can wait, I just worry about the boy." He kisses my forehead, before clumsily dropping the dress over my head.
"So do I," I whisper, my tone desperate. "I don't want to hurt him."
"I know you don't, little one. I hate seeing you feel such pity and shame. But you love him, and you'll always cause him pain." He finishes pulling the dress over me.
Another tear escapes my eye. "...no.." is the only argument I can manage.
Tommy drops the topic, merely pushing me down onto the bed to place socks on my feet. I offer no resistance, raising my hand to my mouth and biting at my thumb distractedly. After placing socks and shoes on my feet, Tommy looks up to me. "I have to ask something. Will you do me the service of looking at me." I meet his gaze with hesitance. Tommy's eyes are welled, his lips lightly agape, and his forehead glistening. "I promised never to leave you, but would you rather I never let you in? I think you need me, but I depend on you just as much. I could survive, however, if I knew that you were happier, if only for a little while."
My emotions fluctuate, disbelief reigning prominent. I once more open my mouth to respond, but doesn't seem to be able to do so while looking at Tommy. Once more, I drop my eyes to my lap. "I do need you. I can't imagine not...not being able to come to you. To be with you. Is that...selfish? I need you, Tommy." My voice grows quieter, hurt rising over the disbelief. "I'm such an idiot."
"We are what we are, Madelyn, but I'm perfectly aware that you're much smarter than I am. Two fools are we if you are one." He smiles and chuckles through his tears. "I'll stay here for you, and I'll always try to pass what little God has given me to me."
I sigh. "I wish I could..." I shake my head. "...nothing. Nothing."

I slide off the bed, kneeling, face to face with Tommy. Placing my hands at the nape of his neck, I first kiss under each of his eyes, and then his lips. He returns the kiss with a previously unfelt passion. I fight down my tears, pulling away just enough to speak. "Just...love me, Tommy. Please. Tell me you love me?"
Tommy states, with the sound of utter confidence shattered by some sort of loss, "I love you, my little dear."
I shake my head at him. "My name. Call me by my name."
"Madelyn." Tommy states, with some incredulity. "I love you, Madelyn. I love you, Madelyn. Maddie. Little one. My little dear. Everything and anything you could call you."
I climb into his lap, burying my face in his neck and succumbing to tears. My voice is muffled as I responds, "I love you, Tommy."
Tommy places his hands around me, cradling and kissing me. "I'll always be here, Madelyn. No matter which me you need, one of us is always available."
I respond, somewhat lamely, "Promise?"
"Yes." Tommy kisses my head.
"OK. OK...I can. OK." I kiss his jaw, gently.
Tommy rises to his feet, pulling me up with him. "May I give you something, little one?"
"Yes. If you...want to."
He lifts me, then places me on his bed. Leaving me for a moment, he opens his top drawer, retrieving a white tulip from a full bouquet. "This was meant for the funeral, but I believe that you're far more worthy than an empty grave."
My head cants to the side, slightly. "I've never...no one has ever given me a flower before."
"That is a tragedy, my little dear." He places it in my hand. "I would rather give you just this one, a reminder of our solitary and fragile life."
"Thank you..." I take the flower, looking down at it with vaguely sad expression. "Sir."
He turns back, then retrieves the rest of the bouquet and hands it to me. "And because we have many lives to live, take the rest." I take the flowers from him, grazing my fingers against his hand. My lips turn up slightly as I meet Tommy's gaze. His eyes are still lightly welled. "Your car is probably here, or will be soon."
With my free hand, I touch his cheek, under his eye. Grazing the pad of my thumb against his lower eyelashes, I inquire, "Why?"
Obtusely, he replies, "Because you need to leave, little one."
"No, not that." I gently wipe my thumb across his eyelid, pulling her hand back to show him the faint smear of blood. "Why?"
Tommy looks down, but kisses my cheek again. "I'm just worried."
I blink, almost shocked by his response. "About what?"
Tommy smiles, "You and your boy." He stands, suddenly.
"My boy," I repeat, my eyes following his movement as he stands. "He hates you. He wants to kill you."

Tommy moves back to the closet to retrieve his white buttoned shirt. "I'm aware, but that's not a new phenomenon. Interestingly to me, he would likely be a friend of mine were it not for your position in his life."
I watch Tommy dress, almost longingly. "If he tried to do...anything. Would you hurt him?"
Tommy flashes his 'television' grin and replies, "I don't think it will ever come to that, little one. I don't enjoy causing others pain unless it would teach them something. Alex wouldn't understand anything I could possibly say."
I blink, chewing my lip. "I would protect him, if it did. If you tried. You know that, right?" My tone betrays the slightest bit of skepticism.
He buttons his shirt, replying, "I have no interest in hurting him, Madelyn. Between the two of us, I know that I'm the far less likely culprit."
I open my mouth to reply, but instead drop my head, shamefaced.
"Whether or not you hurt him, Madelyn, is up to you. You can bring the boy into our world, but it will have been your fault if he can't help but remain. Our corruption is infectious." Tommy completes the ritualized preparation of his shirt, then adorns slacks.
"I won't." I'm not sure what part of his speech I'm responding to. I stand, stepping towards Tommy and assisting him with zipping and buttoning his pants. Tommy smiles, his eyes looking almost tired. He kisses my head and murmurs his thanks. I smile back up at him. My hands move to his face, gently tracing his features as I try and fail to hide both the shame and adoration in my expression. After a moment, I kiss him. Tommy places a gentle hand on the curve of my back, then another on the back of my head. He returns the kiss, lightly biting at my lip. I gasp quietly, as I break the kiss.
"I love you, Tommy. I'll come back to you." Regret creeps into my tone as I continue, "I'll always come back to you."
"I'll always be here Madelyn, just as I always have been," he replies. He releases me after one more kiss. "It's time for you to go to him ."
"I know." I touch his face again, my own expression pained, before I turn on my heel and walk away.
Tommy nods at me, with his standard gentlemanly courtesy. "Be safe."
I glance at him over my shoulder, just once before leaving the building.

The drive to the harbor is a blur. My heart yearns for Alex, and my hands seems to burn in anticipation of touching him. And yet, part of me is pained at the thought of Tommy alone in his church. Abandoned by me. I wipe at my face regularly, trying to stem the flow of tears before reaching my destination. When the Lincoln stops, I exit the car, barely giving thanks or even notice to the driver. I straighten the lines of my dress and wait for Alex. After a few minutes, his Camry pulls up, parking haphazardly. Alex jumps out of the car, moving quickly over to me and crushing me into his embrace. He hands envelope my face. "I don't care what happened, don't worry,  I love you, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you everything, please don't be mad at me. "
I blink, attempting to clear my eyes as I return the embrace. "I'm not mad at you. Don't think I could be, if I tried." His clothes are slightly torn, and he smells of blood.
"I didn't want you to be hurt trying to come over if something were to have happened ..but, it doesn't matter. " The smell of his blood wafts through the air as we stand by the water. "I missed you so much" He leans forward and kisses me, hands at my hips. " You have no idea how much I thought of you,  how much I missed you"
I kiss him back, unable to restrain the whimper that comes from my lips as I do so. "I know. I know because I missed you just as much." I choke back a small sob. "I thought you were dead. Until Rook called me, I thought I'd lost you forever."
He holds me, running a hand through my hair. "I didn't know how long I had been gone. It felt like a month sometimes,  then hours the next. It was weird." he winces a little as he continues. "I ..shouldn't have kept it from you. I was just so afraid you'd try and follow, and that'd I'd lose you."
"I did follow you. Not physically..but..I saw where you went." I admit this openly, unashamed for the first time this night. "Why did you? Why did you go and...why did you feel like you had to hide it from me?"
"I .. I needed to help you." he'd say quietly, almost shamefully. "Cally was right, I'm not a fighter. Knowing you could have to go fight this guy at Fort McHenry, and risk your life. I had to do something to help you. I had to get as much info as I can to try and keep you safe." he'd fall silent "I was worried you'd try and follow us over, and that I would lose you over there. That's why I didn't tell you."
"Fuck Cally. You...god damn it, Alex." I take his hands, squeezing them between my own.
"You can't...you can't put yourself in danger for me. You can't. If something happened to you...I couldn't survive that."
He clutches my hands. "And you think I could survive if something happened to you? Something I could have prevented? Nah." He rubs the back of my hands with his thumbs "It's over though. I'm back, and I'm not going anywhere in the foreseeable future." He smiles at me. "You're stuck with me for awhile longer."
I pull his hand to my face, pressing my cheek into it. "Stuck with...not the right term." My expression grows worried. "So, Rook just gave you information, let you hang out in fairy land for free?"
He smiles, rubbing his fingertips gently against my scalp. "I think he gets lonely and bored over there." He falls silent. "He has a fascination with my existence, if that makes any sense. It's weird...I'll tell you more about it later though." He motions to his pants, which are riddled with holes and blood stains "I really need to get these wrapped up...and ..I want to hold you."

"I can take care of you," I reply, simply. "I can drive. Do you want me to take us back home? Um..." I catch myself, looking embarrassed. "To the Barony?"
"Don't worry, I can drive." He sighs. "No...no. Let's go back to my place. I can't deal with Troy right now. I want to be just with you, no one else." He smiles. "Take you back to my place so I can take my pants off."
"Your place?" I reply, smiling despite my confusion. "Your pants?"
"Yeahhh, I haven't even been there in like...a month. I pay rent and usually just store stuff there, but it's away from the Barony." He motions for me to get in the car, but then pauses. "Oh yeah, any reason for the dress?  Is it a reason I don't really want to know?"
I look down at the dress, keeping my eyes averted from Alex's "I don't know. He wanted me to.." I trail off. "I'd like to see where you live."
He nods and moves to his car. "Well, you look cute tonight. " He smiles, moving towards the driver side of his car. "I promise you, it's nothing spectacular." He gets in, and I follow suit, sliding into the passenger seat. Pulling from the parking spot, Alex drives out of the city, heading towards Crownsville. "Sooo, important question." He takes a deep breath. "Any chance I can get you into Pokémon Go?"
I turn my gaze from the window and the scenery, unable to fight the smile growing on my face. Extracting my Motorola Razr from my boot, I unashamedly reply, "I think I might be a little outdated for that.."
"Gurl, you might as well have two tin cans and some string. Please let me get you a phone. Like,  I literally have 10 smart phones I can activate tonight. 10. 10 phones for Pokémon." He says, looking towards me with a smile. "Madelyn...I...want. To be the very best, like no one ever was."
"Alex..." I press my forehead into my hand, laughing. "For fucks sake. I love you." Turning my body to face him as much as the seat will allow, giving the center console a dirty look as I continue, "Thank you for coming back to me."
He laughs and glances at the road, looking back towards me. "I, really,  really love you too Madelyn. Thank you for being here when I got back. Thank you for being a beacon while I was over there. It was like...being really high over there. You just want to stay and be high, and get even more high, and lose yourself. But, I always had you to ground me, and keep me focused."
I smile. "Didn't ever think I'd mean so much to anyone. It's weird...being a beacon and not a burden." My smile falters a little. "I wouldn't have blamed you, y'know. If you had stayed? I mean...if you were dead...yeah, big problem. But, if you had willingly chosen to stay?" I shrug, attempting to make it a casual gesture. "...wouldn't blame ya."
Alex made a dismissive sound. "I mean it was pretty cool, and like...if I knew you wouldn't get hurt and it wouldn't end horribly, which it would, I'd love to take you there. But...it's like the holodeck in Star Trek, you know shits not real, and after awhile,  you start asking 'what's the point'."
"I spend too much time trying to figure out what's real and what's not here..." I trail off, reaching for Alex's hand. "I still don't trust any of this fae, fairy...whatever crap."
He outstretches his arm and takes my hand, using the other to steer. "Yeah, they're really fucking shifty, and they read between the lines of everything you say. They'd make great lawyers." He chuckles softly. "So, get into anything while I was away? Anything fun?"
I furrow my brow at his statement. Which one, I'm not even sure. "What's your definition of fun?"
"Did you cause mayhem anywhere? Anarchy? Take a bubble bath? I dunno." He gives a shrug.
"Well, I considered killing Troy and burning down the Barony. Heh." I give a tentative smile. "Mostly, I missed you, tried not to go crazy, and sniffed a sweatshirt that I stole from your room."
He nods a little, and laughs. "Well, glad you didn't burn down the Barony, because that would mean I'd have a shit load of work to do." He smiles and glances to me. "That's kinda adorable. I debated on taking something if yours over, but my luck, I'd only be able to grab panties, or something, and that would just be awkward. "
"Especially when you found out they were Cookie Monster panties..."
She laughs a little, and then looks embarrassed.
"I'd like to be able to say I acted like a normal girlfriend would act, and just like...patiently waited for you to come back. But...y'know...me."
"I wish we could just be normal girlfriend and boyfriend, not have to deal with any of this bullshit.." He sighs, then grow silent. " Madelyn. If you could, ya know, go back to being human, like, leave all of this, would you?"

I lean my head against the seat, closing my eyes as I contemplate. "No. I couldn't." My words come out as strangely formal as I continue. "I've done too much to just be able to leave this. This is what I am. Just something I have to accept." Pressing my lips together and closing my eyes nervously, I inquire, "Do you wish I was normal?"
He shakes his head "No. The only thing I wish for you is that you are happy, by whatever means necessary." He pulls into an average looking apartment complex, navigating around the parking lot and then parks his car in front of one of the buildings. He shuts the car off. "I just ask because ...well, there was something really nice over there. There was sun over there.."
I rub at my forehead, forcing my tone into casualty. "I saw the sun awhile ago. It sucked."
He raises a brow. "You saw the sun? How? Why?"
Blinking a few times, I reply "At the time, it seemed a better option than being alone." I shake my head a little, attempting to clear the memory from my thoughts. "It also hurt a lot. That was a long time ago. I was stupid."
"Oh. That. Yeah." He nods. "I...I've played that game too. I'm lucky, I guess. I get a few good seconds of warmth before the burning starts." He shakes his head a little and opens his car door. "Enough of that shit, come on, let's go not be depressed for one night.."
"Sorry. Habit." I kiss hand before releasing it and climbing out of the car.

He gets out, and closes the car door, moving around to my side and returning the kiss. He smiles and takes my hand, walking us into the apartment complex. Once inside, we head downstairs, as he fishes around in his back pack for his keys. He removes one and unlocks the second door on the left, opening it into the dark apartment. "I haven't been here for like...a month. I'm sorry, not sorry?" He holds the door open for me, switching on the light. It's a small, carpeted apartment. Boxes and large tubs line the walls, and much like his room at the Barony, electronic parts litter every surface. A large multi screen computer unit dominates one corner of the room, and opposite of it is a workbench with a fancy looking drone on it.
I look around, the corners of my mouth turning up. "Nice bachelor pad. Honestly, I expected more dicks..."
"Hah, never shit where you eat." He says, moving inside and closing and locking the door behind him. "Yeah, uh...I don't have much sitting space, but you can have the computer chair. I really...need to take off my pants." He says, laughing. "In the most non-sexual way possible."
I turn my attention on Alex. "No. You're right, you do." I point to the proffered chair. "You sit. Do you have a first aid kit? Or like, stuff for cleaning and dressing wounds?"
He laughs, "I have some old t-shirts..." He moves over to one of the tubs, and pulling it open and taking out some white undershirts. "I guess, I better do this in the kitchen or something..." He moves to the small kitchen area. Alex slowly takes off his jacket, exposing long scratches running down his arms, crusted with dried blood. " OK sorry, not sorry.." He unbuttons his pants, and slowly pulls them down, wincing as he does so. The scratches on his legs were deeper, and look more irritated.
The smell of his blood fills the air, and I feel a momentary pang of hunger "Sit on the counter," I order, ignoring the hunger as I look at his wounds, concerned. I grab one of the shirts and begin tearing it into medium sized strips."Do you have any rags or paper towels?" I look around his kitchen awkwardly, not wanting to go through his stuff.
He thinks for a minute, and moves to one of the cabinet, opening it and pulling out a dusty, half used roll of paper towels. "Sorry. I mean, it's not like it's going to get infected, right?" He hands it to me before hopping up on the counter. "Don't look at my dick" He comments, giving a small laugh as he tries to adjust his shirt to cover his boxers opening. I smile, almost shyly, as I shake the dust from the roll. Pulling off a handful of the paper towels, I turn on the sink and run them under warm water. Kneeling slightly, my brows furrow together as I concentrate on cleaning the wounds on Alex's legs. From above my head, I hear the smile in his voice as he speaks. "Thank you. You really don't have to do this." He's quiet for a second studying his own wounds.. "Thorns All from these tentacle...thorn..shits." He makes a tiny sound of discomfort. "I love you.."
I continue cleaning. "Shush. I love you, too." 

Grabbing the strips of the t-shirt, I tie them snugly against the wounds on Alex's legs. Almost unconsciously, I breathe in the scent of his blood. It's different, somehow. I graze my fingers against one of the cuts before I finish tying the strip. Without attempting to hide the movement, I bring my fingers to my mouth and taste the fluid smeared across my skin. My head tilts to the side as the flavor fills my mouth. It's Alex, but different. Almost sweet, and weaker than Kindred blood should taste.
Alex continues to watch me, smiling, unaware of anything being off. He looks down to the bandaging job and grins. "You're awesome. Thank you so much." He slides off the counter top, wincing slightly and stretching his legs.
I blink at him, head still tilted. "You taste different...'
He raises a brow. "What? How so?" He lifts his arm, attempting to lick one of his scratches on his forearm. "What does it taste like?"
"Not you. Well...like you, but different." I swat at him. "Stop trying to eat yourself. It's unsanitary."
"But I wanna taste it.." He replies, as he manages to lick some of the dried blood on his arm. He smacks his lips and shrugs. "I don't taste anything. Maybe it was sap or some shit or something.." He shrugs. "Could just be something residual, I dunno.."

He moves to wrap his arms around me. "If I can't eat myself, who else could I eat?" He raises a brow and smiles. "Kinda kidding. Kinda not. I reallly missed you.."
"I mean, you still taste good.." My eyes stray below his waist. "Oh god, phrasing..." I step into his arms, feeling flustered and pressing my face into the crook of his neck. "You look really cute tonight..."
He runs his hands over my back and smiles "That's my line." Closing his eyes, and seemingly to take in my smell, Alex's hands move farther down my back. "I'm sorry. I'm just...being a dude." He lets out a small contented sigh as he moves his head to look at me. "Don't worry, nothing has to ever happen."
"You're allowed..." I move closer to him, holding my body against his with only slight hesitance. "To be a dude. And..um.." I trail off, gently kissing his neck.
Alex closes his eyes, a small smirk forming on his lips. "Mmm gurl, you're gonna have to stop. Lightsaber in my pants joke here." His hands move down to gently rest on my backside. "Hey" he whispers, softly kissing the side of my head. "I love you. Anything that you're not comfortable with, is cool."
Despite the tinge of anxiety that creeps into my psyche, I manage to keep my tone cool and even. "And that's how I know you're not a real teenager. Pretty sure you would have roofied me by now.." I pull my face from his shoulder, wrapping my hand around the back of his neck. Drawing my lips to Alex, I kiss him. The kiss starts chaste and hesitant, but with effort, I pull him closer and manage the best attempt at passion as I can.
He meets my lips, closing his eyes as the kiss deepened, pressing his body against mine. He breaks the kiss after a moment "Nah, I want you to actually enjoy this. I just want...you" he murmurs, before catching my lips again, kissing me longingly. "I actually have a bed here..." He tone seems to be leaving the statement open ended, curious for my response. His hands trace along my back, kneading the skin exposed by the back of my dress. 
I shiver slightly when his fingers meet my skin. Keeping my face close to his, I chew the inside of my lip."Do you want to get in it?" I pause. "Umm..the bed? Your bed."
He snickers. "That phrasing." Taking a small step back, he takes my hand, thumb rubbing the back of it as looked to me. "No pressure." He leads me to his small bedroom, and unmade bed. Pulling me close, I'm glad my heart doesn't beat, so that he can't notice the fear that I'm unable to fully dismiss. His hands are gentle, his touch soft and loving. Alex kisses the lobe of my ear, whispering "I love you." and shutting the door to the bedroom.

https://youtu.be/bLBFL_lOPXw

Feel the hollowness inside of your heart and it's all right where it belongs.

Another night at its inception. I don't even need to open my eyes to know that he still isn't back. His scent is only a whisper from the wrinkled folds of his hoodie. Its been four nights.

"I will never willingly leave you forever..."

The memory of Alex's words haunt me. Unwilling. Who is keeping him from me? My hands clench on the edge of the table, obliterating the wood to splinters between my fingers. The tissue thin tethers of my sanity stretch and tauten. I squeeze my hands into fists, oblivious to the threads of blood trickling through my knuckles.

"Death is the only thing that's going to keep me away.."

I remember the gray and desolate landscape of the Shadowlands.
Do I? Do I?
If Alex were dead, I would see him. I would be able to. Just like that burned guy at the Barony. Just like Fredrick. Just like the creeper who winked at me at the Swap Meet. He can't be dead. He's mine. I won't allow it. I don't care if I have to hunt down that Al guy and make him take me to the Fae world. I will scour any and every dimension until I find him. And if he...if he's... I will butcher anyone who holds his blood on their hands.

My Alex. I love you. Please come back to me.

My thoughts center on the coterie of Anarchs. Alive. Safe. Celebrating the acquisition of that dispensary thing. Safe. While my Alex is dead or dying or in danger. Troy's casual grin seems to mock me. The Baron. Does that mean he can doom his people to a fate unknown? His person. My person.

My Alex. I won't let your disappearance go uninvestigated. Or unpunished.

I rise from the spindly stool, knocking it over in the process. I stare at it, uncomprehending. After a moment, I reach across the table, retrieving my K bar and tucking it into my boot. I walk over to the closet, open it, and look down.

Hello, old friend.

The metal is without rust. The leather harness still feels supple and strong. I heft the object and stroke my fingers along the chain. I breathe in, and the smell of oil and lubricant are sharp in my nostrils. The starter still pulls from its housing with little catch or drag. Holding the bulky item in my left hand, I slide the harness over my back with my right hand. After another affection stroke to the saw, I slide it into the harness. My expression is serene, despite the chaos and hysteria in my head. I make my way outside, concentrating just enough to conceal the weapons from mundane view. I still feel the cold comfort of my K bar as it scrapes against my calf.

Adjusting the unseen, yet equally comforting heft of my chainsaw, I put on speed and make my way towards Crownsville.

Towards the Anarch Barony.

https://youtu.be/OXSkfTedVb0

I can’t believe that this is really happening. Am I really lost again? Desperation drives me insane.

Keeping my eyes closed, I slowly come out of whatever dream that haunted my day sleep. Disoriented, I breathe in, smelling Alex's familiar scent. I smile, reaching forward, intending to pull him closer and wait for the sun to fully set. My fingers hit the side of the tub with a muffled scrape. The feel of the cold porcelain brings me back to my isolated reality. Alex's sweatshirt is still tucked under my head, and as I open my eyes and sit up, it falls in between my thigh and the tub wall. I look away, shamed by the light stains of blood on the fabric. I wipe the dried flakes of my tears off my face and climb out.

He didn't come back to me.

Yet. He didn't come back to me, yet. Maybe he's just...

I pull all my belongings out of the tub, turning the water on in hopes to distract myself with a shower. I scour my body thoroughly, keeping my thoughts as quiet as possible, even when drying off and picking out clean clothes. I plug the new iPod into my speakers, and smile when the theme song from Sonic the Hedgehog comes on. Holding the device in my hand, I pace as much as the cord allows me, counting each twisted, flattened thread in the carpet as my feet pass over them.

He left you. He stopped wanting you, and was too cowardly to say so. 

I shake my hands out of the fists they're clenched in. The tiny half moon wounds on my palms sting, but I ignore it. A small beetle skitters across the floor. The song changes. One of Journey's many power ballads. I sing along, my expression brittle.

He lied. He just wants to get even with you for being too weak to stand up to Tommy.

I don't realize how hard I'm clenching my jaw until I feel a sharp snap in my cheek. I hold my free hand to my face, keeping the mandible in place as I expend enough blood to mend the broken bone. The song changes again. The Imperial March. I squeeze the iPod gently, as if seeking comfort from an inanimate object.

The Anarchs sent him over there to do their dirty work. The sent the weak link. He's not back because he's dead. He's dead and the Anarchs and the Fae are going to hide it from you.

The song changes, and it's once more Alex's voice coming through the speakers. My pacing stops and the iPod falls from my hand, coming unplugged as it hits the ground. It's silent, save for my agonized cry. "No!" The fissure inside of me spreads, and I don't know how I'm still standing. Don't know how I'm still holding this facade of sanity and normalcy. 

I can't. I have to do something.

No. It's only been two nights. Don't over react.

I want to go to the Barony and throttle Troy. Dig my hands into his guts until he tells me why they sent Alex. Why it had to be my Alex. Make him fix this. Make him bring Alex back. I want to burn the fair to the ground. The Cause. The fucking Cause. They're no better than the Camarilla, pushing their loyal followers face first into danger and destruction.

This is beyond my control. He made his decisions. He can handle himself. 

I want to go to Tommy and have him beat this out of me. I want him to hurt me enough so that the wound from Alex's abandonment feels like a paper cut. A stubbed toe. I want to bleed out every ounce of terror. Terror that I'm alone again. Alone by my own hand. My own fault, because I'm insane and harmful and I ruin everything I touch. I want to bleed until these traitorous, hateful tears stop falling.

Distraction. I need a distraction. Something fresh and innocent and easy to slaughter.

I spare only a second to grab my K-bar before I'm out the door, through the woods and on the hunt. The air is thick and humid, burdened with an oncoming storm. My movements are sporadic, as I frantically try to keep my direction away from both Crownsville and Baltimore. It starts to drizzle. I run aimlessly until I catch the scent of something desirable. A boy and a girl. Just two, but enough. Enough for now. I follow the scent of youth and the tick ticking of bike wheels. Pushed, not rode. I hear the casual conversation. A wish to get home before the rain starts in earnest. In a moment of split second decision, I choose the girl first. The boy being less likely to scream and ruin my fun. His reaction time is stunted, he doesn't even notice when my knife draws across the girl's throat, deep enough to sever tendons and split vocal chords. His expression is one of disbelief as I drop her, bleeding and shuddering into the gutter next to her bike. Perhaps in some ill thought self defense, the boy pushes his own bicycle towards me. I dodge it easily, taking him down with a leap that crushes bone upon my landing. I widen my jaw, clamping it over his shoulder and throat, grinding gristle and meat as I drink from him. The boy's vitae is quickly depleting, so I rip the chunk of masticated flesh from his neck and spit it down at his dying body. Turning my attention back to the girl, I flip her over so she's on her back, squatting over her hips and I slice her open from gullet to gut. What meager hunger I had is already sated, so I stay bent over her, watching her die and licking handfuls of her blood from my palms like popcorn. The smell of my kill is heady and overpowering, and I don't even notice the steady rain that washes the gore off the pavement in mesmerizing patterns. I stand up, walking away from the bodies in a light daze. I'm not even halfway back through the woods surrounding my house when I realize,

It didn't work.

Every thought is still centered on Alex and the stupid choices I can make in his absence. I drop my bloody knife, and it sticks into the dirt. Lowering myself to the ground, I join it, shortly afterwards. The rain pounds down on me without mercy, and I'm grateful that it's loud enough to drown out my pathetic keening. Burying my face in my hands, even the sound of the rain can't muffle my silent plea.

"Please don't leave me. Please come back to me. Please come back for me. Please don't leave me.."

https://youtu.be/0NnJAGRAaYw

I didn't mean to break your heart. If I could fix it, even start, I would. But you're not home tonight.

Trying to remember the feeling of Alex's hands on my face, his lips on mine, his guarantee that he would come back to me...

I leave the Swap Meet, sparing a backwards glance to the ostentatiously large mansion. Even without the building crawling with Giovanni and wraiths, I still shudder and make my exit with haste. I know I don't have much time, so I put on an extra burst of speed. There's a small clearing in the surrounding woods. Not far enough to make me feel completely secure, but...desperate times.

My body falls into a torpid heap in the dirt. I don't bother looking down at it as I hurry across the astral plane, heading in the direction Alex's car went. I'm too late. I'm too late. After a few moments, I spot his Camry and follow it. The urge to pass, intangible, through the metal and fiberglass and stop him, beg him, or even just set eyes on him, makes my chest tighten painfully. I don't recognize the area he ends up in, but I recognize Rook. My heart drops, and I lose concentration almost enough to send me hurtling back into my body. I remember Rook's words last time we saw him.
"I still have to take you to the other side. Don't forget."

Why? Why is he going there? I promised that I wouldn't try anything against that crazy Fae guy. I promised, but he's here.
I watch Rook draw a door on the rock face. He knocks, speaks something I don't understand, and before I can do anything Alex and Rook are gone in a blinding flash of light. When I return back to my body, my eyes are still stinging. I climb to my feet with a small whimper that I'm barely aware of. Rubbing at my face, I swiftly escape the property. My thoughts are tumultuous as I try to rationalize what I just saw.

Rook told Alex he owed him a trip over the hedge, but if it was just that, why wouldn't Alex tell me?
The errant idea that this is his way of getting revenge keeps burning a hole through my thoughts. I don't wanna believe that he could be that spiteful, and yet I think of all I've put him through in this small amount of time since I met him. I flinch, and continue on my way.

The Barony is still quiet, Troy being in Vegas and the others at the Swap Meet. I enter Alex's quarters and breathe in. The air still smells of scorched brownies, but underneath, Alex's scent saturates the room.
I can't stay here without him. The other Anarchs...
My expression falters. I know the only reason they put up with me is because of Alex. I see their reluctance to have someone like me in an area that should be safe for them. Comfortable. Frowning, I grab my bag and stuff my knife and iPod in it. I see a wrapped package with my name in Alex's handwriting sitting on one of the tables and I set it lightly in my purse without opening it. Hesitating, I open one of the tubs in his room, pulling out a sweatshirt and putting it in my bag before leaving the room and the fairgrounds.

I ignore the drag in my feet as I make my way to my old house. I ignore the urge to head in the opposite direction. I ignore the need to do exactly what Alex feared and seek solace in Tommy and his cruelty. The old Victorian looms in my view, and even through my despair, I'm proud of myself. I close and lock the door behind me, choking in the musty smells.
I can be by myself. I can do this. I don't have to run to Tommy. I don't have to do anything. Alex is counting on me to be strong.

"Alex left you."
I jump, startled by the sound of my own voice. Pulling my bag closer to my chest, I enter the bathroom. The empty frame of the broken mirror shows nothing but a blank expanse of metal. The bathtub is still lined with a stained comforter and a flattened pillow. I set my bag on the floor next to the tub, and climb in.
"Alex left me."
I reach over the lip of the tub and pull out the package from his room. Running my fingers over his words, feeling the indent from the pencil he used, I open the box. It's an iPod, newer and sleeker than my own. There's already music on it, and I attempt a smile as I flip through and see some of the artists listed. A few unnamed files draw my attention, and I tuck the head phones into my ears, pulling the sweatshirt from my bag and drawing it into my lap. Pressing play, I hear Alex's voice coming through the small speakers.

It almost breaks me.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I muster every ounce of my resolve, my muscles aching with the fight to stay where I am. My heart aching with the fight to not believe that he abandoned me. I turn the volume of the iPod to its maximum, and turning on my side, tuck Alex's sweatshirt under my head. Surrounding myself with his smell and his voice, I wait.
"He'll come back to me."

https://youtu.be/ZiRz94dPoHQ