I can't believe that my sanity lies in abandoning you.

I glance around the deserted  fairgrounds as I leave the property. I almost welcome the distraction that Troy and one of his Anarch recruitment speeches would bring. Something that would divert my intentions.
Divert my intentions? Shouldn't the fact that Alex is trusting me be enough? Shouldn't it be enough that he expects me to come back to him? Come back whole, and unharmed?
My stomach feels like a hollow pit, and I can't tell if it's from hunger, or...

I halt my progress, realizing my body is betraying me, taking me north. To Baltimore. To him. Rocking back on my heels, I try to stifle the cry that escapes my lips.
Please. I don't want this. I don't want this suffering. I don't deserve it. 
And yet, my feet begin moving again. Taking me to my teacher, and his lesson. Self loathing rises in me like bile.
Idiot. He'll know. He'll follow you. He'll try to save you and he'll get hurt and it will be YOUR FAULT.
I rub at my face and start to run, increasing my speed in anticipation.
Isn't this why I go to him? Because, I'm a cold, heartless beast. A monster. I need to be punished for every horrid, atrocity that I've committed. That includes hurting Alex.

It seems all too soon that I arrive in the city. Passing the storefronts and empty restaurants, I make my way into Little Italy. The church looms in my view, the interior still lit with a soft glow. I know that Tommy is inside. Pacing or praying. Possibly expecting me. I wrap my arms around myself, wishing I was stronger. And yet, as far as I've came, my feet don't take me any further. It's as if there's a gentle hand, holding my arm, pulling me back. Drawing me from danger. I can hear Alex's voice in my head, more comforting and trusted that any other.
Go back to him. Let him help you. Let him fix you. Don't do this.
I take a step back, then another. I know that even a glance of Tommy, even a whiff of his scent will sway my resolve. Turning my head away, I make the first healthy decision in decades. My body is a blur as I race back towards Crownsville. Back towards Alex.

He's bewildered as I crash back into his room, a hurricane of tears and guilt and fear.
"Alex, I'm so sorry! I lied. I lied to you. I thought I couldn't help myself, but I can. I don't want Tommy. I don't him to hurt me anymore. Please help me, Alex. Please."
He pulls me into his arms, his presence easing my terror. His words assuaging my guilt.
"I understand. I forgive you, Madelyn. I love you, you're safe."
I fold into him, squeezing my eyes shut and burying my face in his chest. I won't hurt him anymore. I love him, and owe him my full devotion. I hear his voice from somewhere above me.

Fool. 

The air in the church is stifling and thick. I blink, pressing my back against the wooden door as the parishioners finish their prayer, no voice standing out as much as Tommy's baritone.
"In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti."
My guilt threatens to swallow me, and the only thing that will bring me peace is the sting of a whip. The bite of a blade. The strike of a fist.

God, help me.

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