I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.
Almost subconsciously, I allow my feet to take me in the opposite direction of my home, knowing Alex would be there. Knowing there was no way I would ever allow him to see me like this. Knowing I can't allow him to find out what I just let happen to me.
I can't. I can't.
I head to a residential area, the smell of Kine coming from each house turns my stomach, despite my own lack of blood. Pinpointing an empty house, I make my way to the side of the building, pry the plywood from a window, and haphazardly climb in. My shirt snags on a splinter of wood and I gasp, falling to the carpet and staring at the small tear, horrified. Peeling the shirt from my torso, I fold it into a neat square. I unzip my boots and take them off. Standing and removing the skirt and modest undergarments, I fold them as well and hold the clothing to my bare chest.
They smell of blood.
They smell of Tommy's hands.
The room feels devoid of air, and despite my lack of need for it, I feel like I'm suffocating. My chest heaves, and the whistling whine of breath coming from my lips hurts my ears. My skin is clean, thanks to Tommy's thorough bathing, but I smell it. I smell him on me and hear his voice and feel his...
Thick, gelatinous fluid splatters onto the floor and my bare feet. The speckles of red stand out starkly on my white flesh. My stomach churns again and I fight to keep down the remaining vitae in my system. I wipe my mouth and stumble further into the house, leaving bloody footprints in my wake.
I can't. I can't. I can't.
I can't. I can't.
I head to a residential area, the smell of Kine coming from each house turns my stomach, despite my own lack of blood. Pinpointing an empty house, I make my way to the side of the building, pry the plywood from a window, and haphazardly climb in. My shirt snags on a splinter of wood and I gasp, falling to the carpet and staring at the small tear, horrified. Peeling the shirt from my torso, I fold it into a neat square. I unzip my boots and take them off. Standing and removing the skirt and modest undergarments, I fold them as well and hold the clothing to my bare chest.
They smell of blood.
They smell of Tommy's hands.
The room feels devoid of air, and despite my lack of need for it, I feel like I'm suffocating. My chest heaves, and the whistling whine of breath coming from my lips hurts my ears. My skin is clean, thanks to Tommy's thorough bathing, but I smell it. I smell him on me and hear his voice and feel his...
Thick, gelatinous fluid splatters onto the floor and my bare feet. The speckles of red stand out starkly on my white flesh. My stomach churns again and I fight to keep down the remaining vitae in my system. I wipe my mouth and stumble further into the house, leaving bloody footprints in my wake.
I can't. I can't. I can't.
There's cold tile under my feet. I reach out, placing the neat pile of clothing on a closed toilet seat. I avert my gaze to the floor in the dark room, feeling around until I touch the smooth expanse of the mirror. My fist pulls back and smashes into the glass. Shards of the reflective surface embed in my knuckles, and I welcome the pain. Shaking my injured hand, sprinkling blood on the porcelain furnishings, I climb over the lip of the tub and slide the glass door shut.
My desperate panting echoes off the tile, and I force myself to stand despite the deep set ache below my waist.
"I needed that. I needed what he did to me. Because I'm sick, and dirty, and bad. Because I'm a monster."
I let out a keening wail, and spin the hot water tap.
"I'm a monster and I deserve to be hurt."
The spray of the water hits my naked body, warm at first, but quickly growing to a scalding shower. Steam fills the small, wet closet. My already abused flesh begins stinging, and then burning as the unrelenting spray falls over me. I press my hands to the wall, holding myself up, making myself endure the agony.
Just like when Tommy pushed the hooks into my...
The bottom of the tub swirls with red, as I once more lose the battle with my churning gut. Finally succumbing to weakness and blood loss, I slide down to the tub floor. Using my foot to press the drain stopper in, I watch my skin turn crimson as the level of scalding water grows higher. I try to ignore the tears that trail down my cheek, telling myself it's from the shower. When the tub fills to the brim, I turn the water off and soak in my pain.
I clench my eyes shut against the tears, but the effort does nothing to halt the memories. The barbed whip yanking at my flesh. The lights glittering off of a heavy ring as it flies towards my face. The empty wine bottle. Tommy, standing before the bloody altar, his face and clothes stippled with blood as he unbuttons the tented front of his trousers.
"Please don't hurt me anymore."
My agonized begging is answered by nothing but more pain. I sink down until only my face is above the rapidly cooling water, refusing to move. Refusing to leave.
More noticeable than the ache in my body, is the ache in my chest.
I want Alex, and his comfort.
I want Tybalt, and his vengeance.
But what sickens me. What repulses me, is that more than anything, I want Tommy and his pain.
"I love you, Madelyn, and will not let you be left out alone."
His words echoing in my mind, I plunge my head under the water and hold it there.
My desperate panting echoes off the tile, and I force myself to stand despite the deep set ache below my waist.
"I needed that. I needed what he did to me. Because I'm sick, and dirty, and bad. Because I'm a monster."
I let out a keening wail, and spin the hot water tap.
"I'm a monster and I deserve to be hurt."
The spray of the water hits my naked body, warm at first, but quickly growing to a scalding shower. Steam fills the small, wet closet. My already abused flesh begins stinging, and then burning as the unrelenting spray falls over me. I press my hands to the wall, holding myself up, making myself endure the agony.
Just like when Tommy pushed the hooks into my...
The bottom of the tub swirls with red, as I once more lose the battle with my churning gut. Finally succumbing to weakness and blood loss, I slide down to the tub floor. Using my foot to press the drain stopper in, I watch my skin turn crimson as the level of scalding water grows higher. I try to ignore the tears that trail down my cheek, telling myself it's from the shower. When the tub fills to the brim, I turn the water off and soak in my pain.
I clench my eyes shut against the tears, but the effort does nothing to halt the memories. The barbed whip yanking at my flesh. The lights glittering off of a heavy ring as it flies towards my face. The empty wine bottle. Tommy, standing before the bloody altar, his face and clothes stippled with blood as he unbuttons the tented front of his trousers.
"Please don't hurt me anymore."
My agonized begging is answered by nothing but more pain. I sink down until only my face is above the rapidly cooling water, refusing to move. Refusing to leave.
More noticeable than the ache in my body, is the ache in my chest.
I want Alex, and his comfort.
I want Tybalt, and his vengeance.
But what sickens me. What repulses me, is that more than anything, I want Tommy and his pain.
"I love you, Madelyn, and will not let you be left out alone."
His words echoing in my mind, I plunge my head under the water and hold it there.
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