I didn't want to know. I just didn't want to know.

At the Anarch barony, I sit on Alex's futon, watching his back as he fiddles on his computer. I can almost feel my influence wearing off as the oncoming storm of his emotions creep back into the front of his mind. His hands clench around a hank of cords and wire, wrapping them with unneeded vigor. A foot kicks out, sending a pile of empty bottles skittering out from under the computer desk. I pull my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and attempting to curl myself into a unnoticeable, nonthreatening ball. My eyes stick to Alex, my expression fearful, yet expectant.

The building is quiet, he and I being the only occupants. The silence is broken as Alex sweeps his arm across the desk, sending his possessions across the room and into the wall with a deafening crash. I flinch, shrinking back against the couch, briefly squeezing my eyes shut. He remains unnervingly silent, resting his elbows on the now bare table. His hands clasp together behind his neck, his legs bounce furiously with anger. My voice is a whimper as I speak his name.
"Alex?"
He sits there, unresponsive for several minutes, before moving his hands and rubbing at his face. "Do you love him?" he asks, his quiet tone failing to mask the anger and pain behind it. "Please, god, just give me the truth Madelyn. If you have any love for me, tell me honestly." He doesn't look at me, and I'm glad, knowing my words will hurt him enough without the stricken expression that accompanies it.
"...I do." My voice is near silent, and I pray he mistakes it for his imagination.
He winces, not saying anything for a few moments. "Why?" he asks quietly, the anger in his voice dulled, as the hurt replaced it.
My thoughts turn to a mantra of apologies, unheard and unspoken."I don't know. He took care of me when I was dead...whatever I was. He was there when everyone else left me." I squeeze my knees closer to my body, repeating myself."I...don't know.."

He lets out a very audible groan and pinches the bridge of his nose with his fingers. After several silent moments, he asks a question that hits me like a shot put to the gut.
"Did you ever love me?"
I let out a strangled sob before I can help it. In a blink of movement, I abandon my spot on the couch, kneeling prostrate at his feet.
"Alex, please don't say that. I love you...nothing...no one can change that." I reach for him, but quickly pull my hand back, holding it in my lap. "I never meant for...anything. I told you. I told you, I'm poison. I'm sick.." 
I drop my gaze, trembling. Selfishly, I want to run from the pain. His pain, that I caused him. He turns his head slightly, wincing as if I struck him. His eyes stare forward, until finally he pulls them down to look at me.
"I need you, to put yourself in my shoes, Madelyn. What if you learned I was sharing a bed with someone, and I wouldn't tell you who, and I tried to keep it all a secret. And you found out not from me, but from them. I don't know what I can trust from you..and I don't know if I'm being the biggest blind fool in history for thinking you actually care about me."

Oh god. Is this what Tommy told him? What he thinks?
My voice is strained as I reply, "That's not..."
I cover my mouth with my hand, looking nauseated. "That's not what...you don't understand."
He looks down at me, leaning in his chair. "You're right, I don't understand, because you haven't told me anything. I'm literally just going off of things that I'm putting together. For the love of god Madelyn, please tell me I'm wrong, please tell me I'm not a fucking idiot for holding out hope that you love me."
My response is immediate, unhesistant. "If there's nothing else I'm sure about, the fact that I love you has never been contested. Never." I hold my head in my hands, still knelt at his feet. "I tried to protect you. If you knew.." I continue in a near silent tone."If you knew what I let him do to me..."
He moves down to the ground next to me, listening, holding out his hand and gently rubbing my knee. "Ok, I believe you" he replies. "I need to know. I need you to let me in." His expression is pained, and my insides seem to twist. "I'll. .I'll make you a deal. If you talk to me tonight. I will not go after him tonight, or tomorrow night. I will not take any action against either of you for a period of time. But...things could change, and ..there might be a point, when a confrontation is needed. But not tonight, not tomorrow, not the night after that."
I give a quiet whimper at his touch, my own hand twitching towards his, convulsively. Again, I keep my hand in my lap, feeling frightened to return his affection.
"You can't..you can't go after him, Alex. Do what you want to me, but please..." I trail off, shuddering as I imagine all the ways Tommy could bring about his death.
"I can't make a promise that I won't go after him ever...forever is a very long time. But, I will not go after him now if you tell me everything. No matter how bad it is. "

All the vivid, harsh memories of Tommy's lessons flash through my mind. At the end of each recollection I see his hazel eyes burning into mine. I swallow, reflexively. "It's not his fault." My voice is low and shameful.
I can almost sense Alex's disgust as he replies, "I doubt that very seriously, but tell me your side of this...please..." He reaches out and gently touches my cheek. "If you can't go into details, I understand. Just...an overview."
I place my had over his, pressing my face into his palm. I avoid his gaze, my voice timid. "He hurts me." Even quieter. "...I let him."
He strokes his thumb along my cheek, listening to me and nodding. "He hurts you physically Sexually?"
I hear the struggle to keep his voice even, and wince. "Both."
He nods, not changing his position or demeanor. "Why do you think you deserve this? More importantly, why is he the "enlightened" one to deal out repentance? You have to see the hypocrisy...a man says you need to repent, when he himself is a monster."
I grit my teeth, speaking through a clenched jaw. "I deserve it because I'm a monster. He understands because he is, too." Blinking my eyes rapidly, I try to fight the tears that threaten to spill from them. "He says he loves me." The words sound just as stupid and unbelievable as when Tommy speaks them to me.
"And you say you love him. Do...you like what he does to you?" I know that if I were to peek into Alex's thoughts, they would be broiling and churning with his struggle to remain stoic and calm.
I whisper, "....no."
He nods again. "Sounds an awful lot like Stockholm syndrome." 

His whisper is barely louder than my own. "I love you. Thank you for telling me this...this helps me." He sighs heavily.
"I'm sorry." A red tinged tear manages to escape from one eye. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry that you have to be in love with me."
He wipes away the tear with his thumb and looks at me, trying to catch my eyes with his. "I just wish you had told me sooner. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. .I...I love you so much."
I return his gaze, tentatively. "I love you, Alex. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry." I lean forward, wrapping my arms around him and pressing my face to his chest.
He returns the embrace, holding me tightly. "I'm sorry too. Sorry that I can't fix all of this ...that I can't make you happy..." My brow furrows as he kisses the top of my head and holds onto me. "We all do horrible things, we are all monsters...our fights against them our own."
I pull away  as much as I'm willing to, looking incredulous. "You do make me happy. You're the only thing that does make me unconditionally happy."
"I hope I can always make you happy." He whispers, gently rubbing my leg. "We will get through this, we will over come this. We will do this together."
I hold my forehead against his. "I'm glad one of us has a positive outlook."
"I'm wholly surprised it's me," he whispers, kissing the crease in my brow. "I promised I wasn't going to leave you willingly, I intend to keep that promise."
I try to relax in his arms. "Over the decades, I've learned not to hold anyone to their promises." I state this sad, but as a matter-of-fact. "I'm sorry I...fucked with your head." My tone and expression match in their guilt.
"I know where it comes from, and maybe you saved me from doing something stupid last night. But, try...not to do it...maybe. I just am afraid of being controlled, I guess." He slowly stands up, offering his hand to me. "I want to lay down, and I want nothing more than to hold you while I do that."
"I just didn't want you to get hurt. Or...anyone."
I take his proffered hand and climb to my feet. Squeezing his hand in my own, I reply, "I would like that."

He walks us over to the pulled out futon, shutting off lights and turning his monitors off as we move. He sits down, the springs squeaking, and gently pulls me down with him. His arm curls around me, as we settle onto the mattress together. "That's all I want as well, for you not to be hurt. My situation is easier, in that regard. I only care about you not getting hurt."
"I'm..." I pause, resting my head on his chest. "I'm strong, Alex. I've handled a lot, and can handle a lot more." I curse myself inwardly, as my voice betrays my attempt at honesty.
He gently runs his fingers through my hair, eyes closing as he speaks. "You are incredibly strong, trust me, I know." He gives a soft laugh. "I want you to believe in your words, I want you to believe that you are indeed strong but, I think this is going to a test of your inner strength rather than your physical strength."
I sigh lightly, my hand resting on his waist. "I can't do it without you. I have no reason to want to do it without you."
He moves his head, lowering it to kiss my lips gently. "You have me, for as long as I'm on this earth." He falls silent. "...and for as long as there are Taco Bells."
I kiss him back, my mouth curling into a smile against his lips. I nuzzle my face into the crook of his neck, mumbling. "Tacos and velociraptors, the basis of any lasting relationship."
He laughs softly. "It's a solid foundation." He smiles and rests his head against my, eventually drifting off to sleep. Tucking myself into Alex's embrace, I squeeze my eyes shut against any intruding thoughts or emotions.

As I lose the battle with my own consciousness, I hear the impossible words, spoken from the text message sent before any of this.
"Good girl."